Today...

It was another day. I got up...without my mom. I got ready and went to work and wasn't quite myself. I'm normally not myself these days. I really am struggling with everything that has landed in my lap. I think my brother is angry with me for something. He hasn't responded to any of my calls or emails in about a month now. I am not sure what I've done, but he'll either tell me or he won't. He was so supportive when he was here to help get everything in order for Mom's services. He came and got it done and his family, beautiful wife and 4 kids,got here and they left almost as fast as they got here. They kept in contact for a few weeks and now nothing. I miss them all so...especially my brother. I am just so desperately sad in the very pit of me. Many of my friends and some of my family seem to judge me for not being better at this point than I am. Not reallly sure how to respond to them. For a time they were so proud for my strength and for how well I was holding up. Then I started to break down more and they are just judgemental. Truth be told I was numb and going through the motions of what needed to be done. Nobody wanted to acknowledge that. Nobody seems to really have time to be there for me right now in the immediate, physically present sense. It seems I am too slow getting to the "new" normal. I don't necessarily take any of it to heart, but it furthers my feeling of pure, unadulterated "alone"! I pray this will pass in time, but I am so very alone right now. I can't seem to get past that.