Today
Today is another day...
Not too sure of it being a good day. I am so very sad today. I cannot really even put it on a scale. So bad, good...who knows?
Dad and his wife are here to visit for the next 2 days. He's brought things for my kids. Valuable and heartfelt gifts for them. It's the first time in nearly 9 years that he will have seen us. My daughter was less than a month old the last time.
Part of me is elated. That's that Daddy's little girl part that somehow never goes away no matter how old a girl is. Part of me is excruciatingly nervous about all of this commotion on top of the raw wounds I am carrying around with me each day. Not caused by him, but by his wife and her commentary on my call to him after my Mom died.
I called to let him know about her passing and to say hi. I have never wanted more than his love. She's a skeptic though. She greeted me with Rachel? Like she had no clue. wretched bitch. She said, " She's dead then!" WTF??? Unbelievably wretched piece of shit BITCH!!! All the pain of growing up with her in my world came flooding back to me. It was like a wave that crashed me into the jagged rocks again! I don't want to allow her that kind of power, so I will stop there. I am being sucked right back in...I spoke to my Dad and that was comforting in a way I cannot even describe. The beauty of my Mom is that no matter what that wretched BITCH did to us, and there was plenty I knew about and even more I didn't know about, NO MATTER WHAT SHE DID TO US, my Mom NEVER once said anything untoward about HER!!! Not a peep! She had more grace in the tears she cried for folks she didn't even know than that BITCH will ever have in her entire being!
I am praying for the strength I need to get through a visit with her. I don't know what it's going to look like, but I intend fully to honor my Mom in this way. I am going to be kinder than I believe I can be to a wretched bitch on wheels who thinks I am after something other than my Dad's love. I am going to rise to the occasion as I never have before. I am going to live in the Grace of God, and try my level best not to reduce her to a puddle of goo...at least not in front of my kids.
Please Father God give me your grace and the strength to survive today. We'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.
Not too sure of it being a good day. I am so very sad today. I cannot really even put it on a scale. So bad, good...who knows?
Dad and his wife are here to visit for the next 2 days. He's brought things for my kids. Valuable and heartfelt gifts for them. It's the first time in nearly 9 years that he will have seen us. My daughter was less than a month old the last time.
Part of me is elated. That's that Daddy's little girl part that somehow never goes away no matter how old a girl is. Part of me is excruciatingly nervous about all of this commotion on top of the raw wounds I am carrying around with me each day. Not caused by him, but by his wife and her commentary on my call to him after my Mom died.
I called to let him know about her passing and to say hi. I have never wanted more than his love. She's a skeptic though. She greeted me with Rachel? Like she had no clue. wretched bitch. She said, " She's dead then!" WTF??? Unbelievably wretched piece of shit BITCH!!! All the pain of growing up with her in my world came flooding back to me. It was like a wave that crashed me into the jagged rocks again! I don't want to allow her that kind of power, so I will stop there. I am being sucked right back in...I spoke to my Dad and that was comforting in a way I cannot even describe. The beauty of my Mom is that no matter what that wretched BITCH did to us, and there was plenty I knew about and even more I didn't know about, NO MATTER WHAT SHE DID TO US, my Mom NEVER once said anything untoward about HER!!! Not a peep! She had more grace in the tears she cried for folks she didn't even know than that BITCH will ever have in her entire being!
I am praying for the strength I need to get through a visit with her. I don't know what it's going to look like, but I intend fully to honor my Mom in this way. I am going to be kinder than I believe I can be to a wretched bitch on wheels who thinks I am after something other than my Dad's love. I am going to rise to the occasion as I never have before. I am going to live in the Grace of God, and try my level best not to reduce her to a puddle of goo...at least not in front of my kids.
Please Father God give me your grace and the strength to survive today. We'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.
Replies