Yesterday
Yesterday started out like any other day...the "new normal" I guess you'd call it. Got up, drank my husband's muddy coffee and started my day.
Since mom's death I am faced with running the household on a 1200.00 deficit monthly. There aren't fewer bills or expenses, just less money to cover them. I can't find words to express the incredible despair this brings. I want to wallow in it and try to figure it out. Unfortunately, others cannot seem to understand that need and force me into action of some sort on any number of different topics. I want to scream that I AM NOT READY YET!!!!!
...alas...no one notices or maybe no one will allow. The expectation is that because they all perceive me as stoic and stronger than I know I am, I am their perception of me. I AM NOT WHO THEY THINK I AM AT ALL!!!
I don't know how to get through to the people who are closest to me that I haven't had time to greive and I need to be allowed to do that! For GOD'S SAKE!!! I lost my best friend of nearly 47 years this April...just the day after I lectured her about not allowing her to just sit there and die like her husband did. I didn't get to hug her or kiss her goodnight. I did get to say I love her after we "talked" but that isn't enough now. I can't get beyond the emptiness in my soul now without my Mom here with us.
We lived together for the last 11 years, Mom, me, Tito, Alec and Josie. Josie never knew a day without Grandma in her home or in her life. I have had to hold it together for Jo's sake since she's almost 9 and had been with Grandma daily her entire life. My son, Alec has an outlet for his feelings. He's quite a talented artist, who uses all his experiences in his art. He won't talk about it yet, but he held Mom as her brain flooded with her own blood. He made sure she could breathe and that she was comfortable until the EMT's got here. It was 2 minutes literally, but all she knew in that 2 minutes was that her head didn't hurt, and her grandson was there, holding her while they waited for the angels. She was on a vent for the next 21 hours and when they took out the vent at the hospital, they remarked on how long her heart beat! The nurse who was with us for her end said that Mom had the strongest heart of all the patients she'd seen! She didn't look to be older than 20 or so, but the sentiment was appreciated. I told her that it wasn't a surprise to me because Mom was all heart. <3
I can't keep going now because the world won't wait for me to merge today. Maybe I'll be able to write more tonight.
Since mom's death I am faced with running the household on a 1200.00 deficit monthly. There aren't fewer bills or expenses, just less money to cover them. I can't find words to express the incredible despair this brings. I want to wallow in it and try to figure it out. Unfortunately, others cannot seem to understand that need and force me into action of some sort on any number of different topics. I want to scream that I AM NOT READY YET!!!!!
...alas...no one notices or maybe no one will allow. The expectation is that because they all perceive me as stoic and stronger than I know I am, I am their perception of me. I AM NOT WHO THEY THINK I AM AT ALL!!!
I don't know how to get through to the people who are closest to me that I haven't had time to greive and I need to be allowed to do that! For GOD'S SAKE!!! I lost my best friend of nearly 47 years this April...just the day after I lectured her about not allowing her to just sit there and die like her husband did. I didn't get to hug her or kiss her goodnight. I did get to say I love her after we "talked" but that isn't enough now. I can't get beyond the emptiness in my soul now without my Mom here with us.
We lived together for the last 11 years, Mom, me, Tito, Alec and Josie. Josie never knew a day without Grandma in her home or in her life. I have had to hold it together for Jo's sake since she's almost 9 and had been with Grandma daily her entire life. My son, Alec has an outlet for his feelings. He's quite a talented artist, who uses all his experiences in his art. He won't talk about it yet, but he held Mom as her brain flooded with her own blood. He made sure she could breathe and that she was comfortable until the EMT's got here. It was 2 minutes literally, but all she knew in that 2 minutes was that her head didn't hurt, and her grandson was there, holding her while they waited for the angels. She was on a vent for the next 21 hours and when they took out the vent at the hospital, they remarked on how long her heart beat! The nurse who was with us for her end said that Mom had the strongest heart of all the patients she'd seen! She didn't look to be older than 20 or so, but the sentiment was appreciated. I told her that it wasn't a surprise to me because Mom was all heart. <3
I can't keep going now because the world won't wait for me to merge today. Maybe I'll be able to write more tonight.
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