My ED is pressuring me to reconnect with my ES but it is very quiet from ES's end so I am not sure.  It's been more than 5 years, many things happened to me, very much liking my lifestyle and independence.  Was able to survive cancer, heartache, loneliness without EC.  If I am being selfish, so be it.  I was able to pick up the pieces and made myself whole again and I am afraid to be broken again.  All EC had wonderful lives, happy with their spouses and kids when we separated and I am happy with that.  When I reconnected with ED, I was whole again so it was not difficult.  I appreciated her willingness to reconnect which I don't see from ES.  For now, I am waiting for God's divine intervention and if it's meant to be that he would want to reconnect with me who am I to refuse it.  I am very vulnerable, sensitive and so fractured and I don't think I can survive and pick up my patched pieces if broken again.  It took me a lot of courage, prayers and support from my friends to get this far. None of my kids were there to help me during my numerous surgeries, if I was still alive or otherwise.  I cannot go back to that dark past after being pulled into the light again.