I have been numb since last Thursday.  I think its because I have been bored, and not working too much.  I love my jobs, but am glad that I am taking care of myself.  Another reason for my numbness is because its getting close to the end of the month of when the rape happened.  When I get that way I don't feel like myself.  I have had terrible flashbacks everday, sometimes 2-3 times, and it hurts me a lot.  I will go to the local support group next week.  I haven't been able to due to training.  I will be glad to be going back because I need it.  I hate how I feel, and long for Jesus to be back.  If any of you are in Wichita, KS, can any of you take me out, so that I can feel better? My fiance' is struggling because he misses the closeness.  I gave him ways to help me as well as himself.  I suggested for him to go talk to the sexual assault center because they can help him more than I could.  He knows I fear intimacy along with every other fear I have been trying to work on.  It seems that this time around its taking twice as long, and I hate it.  Oh do I hate it. I wrote a letter to Ozark Christian College rebuking them for what they did to me.  I took a spiritual gifts inventory last semester, and that is one of my gifts, ironically.  Here is what I wrote.  I have been praying about it for over 4 years, and now the door opened for me to get my voice heard on that horrendous campus of a christian college.  I do have a burden lifted since writing it, and I pray that not too terrible of repructions result, but I know it was not me speaking but the Lord himself.  The person addressed is the person who kicked me out.  I also sent a blind copy to the President and Academic Dean too.   Dear Monte,I am in Full-Time Ministry at a local homeless shelter, and have my Bible college degree as well as am in grad. school for Marriage and Family Therapy.  I have recently learned something in a short amount of time, that I thought you might have want to know.    I realize you were doing your job when you kicked me out, but refusing to let me in because you were most likely afraid of your safety is wrong.  I did not once inidicate while there on and off campus as being dangerous.  Am I correct?  The rules at OCC are unrealistic, and no one deserves to be kicked out due to their ex-boyfriends actions or from a rape.  Am I right?  I was seeking help at the time, but since I wasn't "perfect," in the form of being emotionally stable is unrealistic.  Are you seeing a trend here?  I hope so.Here is what I have learned from studying God's Word, and I hope you will see my point too.  If you notice Abraham, he had his wife commit adultery to have a baby, and also lied about another situation.  Was he emotionally stable?  No.  If you notice Moses, he killed others.  Was he emotionally stable?  No.  If you notice David, he killed Bathsheba's husband and committed adultery.  Was he emotionally stable?  No.  If you notice Solomon, he had many wives.  Was he emotionally stable?  No.  If you notice Job, he lost everything, which would be devastating.  Was he emotionally stable?  No.  If you notice the 12 disciples, whom were tax collectors, fisherman, etc.  Were they emotionally stable?  No.  If you notice Paul, whom persecuted Christians and was persecuted after coming to Christ.  Was he emotionally stable?  No.  I could go on and on, but I hope you see my point.  "A person does not need to be emotionally stable to be in ministry, in fact those are the people God has done great things with, compared to those who are."  I hope you have learned something from this e-mail, and please do not respond back, but I want to make you aware of how God uses others despite Satan trying to deter them from their calling.  Have a Blessed Week,                                                                                                  Elizabeth LordGraduate StudentAll I know is that it needed to be said, or someone just like me would get kicked out for something that is beyond their control and its discriminiation.  I could go on and on, but I have many others who support me in what I wrote and I hope you will too.Have a wonderful week ahead.  I try to write all of you, but if I can't can you write me?  I am working 2 wonderful jobs and love them.  I have so much fun, in such a way that I do not call it work.  Isn't that wonderful?  Blessings.