I have had a lot of flashbacks occur lately regardless of what I am doing.  I was able to change the locks on my apartment for free, and my fiance's brother got me groceries.  He did all of that for me.  I greatly appreciate it.  That is one way I have seen God's hand work this week.  I will not be singing in front of the church until I feel ready enough yet, but in God's timing I will.  I am an emotional rollercoaster, and am very sensitive to things, in fact it took me all week to be able to hug my fiance'.  He has been so understanding, and I am surrounded by people who care.      I am going to get a restraining order next week, amd my mom will be coming with me so I can feel more safe.  My gut as well as what I heard from my neighbors next door, I am guessing he is having sexual relations with another neighbor.  I hope she turns him in as well if it gets as far as it did with me.  Ever since the incident happened, my neighbor has been staying up 2-3 hours past his bedtime.  I am hoping that he is feeling guilty, but it is ultimately up to God and him, of course.My fears have come back and then some.  I am afraid of the dark, public, small spaces/places, personal space, and men.  I have to have someone with me everywhere I go to help me feel safe.  I do not like living this way!!!!I was at a choir retreat this weekend, and it was a huge blessing.  We broke up into groups, and mine asked me to pray, that was the hardest thing for me to do, but thinking back on it now, I remember my mom saying that it would make me stronger.  I can see what she is saying becuase right now its easier for others to pray for me, but I have a hard time praying for myself, and know that I will get there all in His timing.  Everyone was such an encouragement, I am so glad that I went ecause it was exactly what I needed.  I am not blaming God for anything that has happened, but have seen His hand through it all, and continue to do so.  I have had a bunch of feelings running through me:  depression, shame, guilt, anger, ambivalence, out of control, and out of touch with reality through dissaociation.Here are healthy ways I have been coping:  exercise, journal, read, listening to music, prayer, and hanging out with friends.  I will eventually be writing poems about my experience, but that will take awhile, and when I do I will post them on here for you.I am working on changing my negative thoughts to positive, and thus far have written down five, but I know that are more, its a matter of time because I know that these thoughts of mine are lies, and I need to tell myself the Truth.Please continue to keep me in your prayers.  I have a long ways to go, but with the Lord's help and with much support know that I will get through it.