13 Steppin

I've been seeing someone in my homegroup and it's been a bumpy ride since before we even started dating. He's BP and a recovering alcoholic (some history with drugs also), has been living at home with his parents for the last year and a half and is on disability (is looking for work). He's a good guy overall but troubled, as am I. He hasn't been involved with a woman before me since his ex wife over three years ago. I don't know how much of this, if any, is relevant to our drama so I'm offering it up in the hopes that someone may be able to give constructive feedback out of it. I try not to take his inventory...however hard that be at times when I'm caught in the middle of his chaos. In that case it may even be important to note that he is an only child, father abandoned him at a young age, was raised primarily with his mom and grandma and they moved around a lot because of his stepfather's job. lol Like writing up a psych eval...Jesus, I feel guilty already. At least I'm not breaking anonymity! Initially, when we'd hang out he'd be having a good time with me one day, and the very next he'd be lukewarm. We weren't involved romantically at this point but there was obvious interest. Then he started canceling on me every other time we'd have plans because he said he had to do something or other for his mom. Most of his obligations seem to center around his mom. While I do think he shades details of the truth so that he is not completely emasculated (for instance trying to hide the fact he has a 10pm curfew), I do not think he is a liar. Therefore the reasons for the cancellations seemed valid, however irresponsible and inconsiderate they were. We had our first date and he albeit refuses to be the initiator in any situation (i.e., our first kiss). Somehow we managed through it. We had plans to go to a meeting the next day and it was like he was a different person. He barely made eye contact with me, was very cold (not mean or rude, mind you), and distant. As a matter of fact, he focussed a lot of his attention on another girl in the group. After I dropped him off, it was like he couldn't get out of the car fast enough. We did not kiss goodnight again. I called him that night upset and explained I am not the kind of girl who is lovey-dovey one day and buddy-buddy the next. He apologized and said he had had a argument with his parents that day and had been preoccupied but shouldn't have taken it out on me. The next time we were to see each other was on a Saturday. I got up early and had a friend come over and help me clean the house top to bottom. I scheduled my hair appointment around this date. I called him several times throughout the day to confirm because he would say yes, we're on, call me later. Or then he'd say he'd call me back and wouldn't. Our date was at 2:30pm. At 3pm he called and put me on ice for another 2 hours. At five o'clock he called and cancelled because he said he had to take his dad out for father's day. I was through. I cried, went to a really great meeting on acceptance and new what I had to do. Two days later I called him and said we couldn't date any longer. He said he had been thinking the same thing but didn't know how to tell me because he didn't want to come across as an inconsiderate asshole. He said he wasn't mentally ready for a relationship now. Hahahaha Understatement of the year. A week goes by and everything is normal. We go to meetings, spend some time together, talk like usual, everything is good. My sister attempted to commit suicide that week and unbeknownst to be at that time, his grandfather hung himself the same week. He did not share this information with me until much later. In the midst of all of this, I had been spending time with someone in the program who lived in a halfway house and needed rides to meetings. He would pay me for the rides and we became very good friends. The three of us and one other went to a meeting the week all of the family stuff was going on and my guy acted very rude and jealous to my friend. From that moment on, he almost completely shut off from me. The next day I tried to contact him. He would respond sporadically to texts but would not pick up the phone. I told him I needed to talk to him and I was pretty jammed up (with my sister and other financial issues). He wouldn't do it. So, still not knowing he is dealing with the passing of his grandfather and the circumstances around that, I give him his space and let it go. Then my sponsor, who knows about my family stuff at this point and that I'm on the brink of a great depression since stress causes MY health problems to erupt, tells me that she talked to my guy about me. That he called her and said he was worried about my erratic behavior with the texting and phone calls. ??? That he actually went to a person in the program known to be a trouble-maker and a predator and asked him what he knows about me. Told him I had sent him 20 texts (over a 3 day period where I didn't realize I was being blown off until the third day). My sponsor divulged information I had shared with her about the relationship to him-violating the trust in our sponsor/sponsee relationship. The predator advised my guy not to speak to me anymore and my sponsor concurred (without any input or prior knowledge by me. I was horrified. Betrayed by my sponsor and someone who I cared about and liked very much. I called him and told him we'd have to speak like adults, in person, and that anything he had to say about me or any problem he had with me could be handled directly. The phone call ended with a click and we didn't see each other or speak for 2 weeks. We both stayed out of the rooms at that time and I, unfortunately, relapsed. The anxiety around my family coupled with the alienation from my group set me over. Not to mention that my health was sliding fast. I felt helpless to the juvenile bullshit since they were supposed to be there to support me through this. I immediately dropped my sponsor which is something her and I had been talking about the week prior to her breaking confidentiality. I told her her job was only to walk me through the steps-not meddle in my personal life or act as my therapist. We are cordial today but there is tension. The predator and I do not speak. However, I texted my guy that we could bury the hatchet. He immediately called and expressed great remorse and we began talking. Then we began dating, then we began sleeping together. This all happened within the last 2 weeks. He still does not initiate seeing me and is very cavalier about whether we spend time together or not. Not unlike his behavior before we officially dated. I have to plan everything and even then it isn't a guarantee he will follow-through on his end of the commitment. He does nothing to contribute in any way. My feeling is that even if you aren't driving, can't give me gas money, or take me out to dinner...you can take your trash with you from my house or my car or do little "service work" things to help out where you can when you're eating at my house or we are using my car to get around. He hasn't lifted a finger or offered a thing. In the beginning of dating, when you are excited about a person-you want to know when you are going to GET to see that person. You anticipate the time you will be able to spend and what you will do once you have them. This is a fun stage in dating where you are getting to know each other more deeply and experimenting with things together. You build intimacy. This is not the labor of love, this is simply gratifying for both people. If they are both interested. We had a conversation about this on Friday where I expressed my frustration in having to always ask him when the next time we are to see each other will be. He admitted to being an ass. The weekend came and went and he mentioned nothing of when we would go out again. Sunday night I asked him if we would be seeing each other this week. It eventually was settled on Thursday (a week since the last time I saw him) but was insistent abouttalking tomorrow about it. He was too tired to think about it, he said. So I told him that maybe he needs some time to get his stuff together and figure out if this is even what he wants. He did not respond until two days later, stating he needed some time to digest what I had texted him. He says he wants to keep it simple, that we both have a lot going on, and that the last thing he wants to do is frustrate me because it's not healthy for either of us. I said that I feel relieved to have given us a rest and that there is no need to make any definitive decisions on it right now. He hasn't responded. Conclusion: I went to a meeting tonight to see him get his 90 chip. I sat next to him and while it wasn't the same, it wasn't all that odd either. Until the predator came over. This, a man who has slandered and defamed me in the rooms, nearly causing fist fights, and has poisoned many ears in the rooms (not just against me, because only a few buy into his bullshit) sit next to me and "my guy" right, the great, good guy, begins laughing and joking around with him as I'm in the middle. Am I being played with here or is he just a thoughtless jerk? I'm so confused that I don't even know what is going on or why? Should I even tell him this has upset me? That if he WERE to make an ammends on something that he calls "the biggest mistake I've made this year", that the way he could fix it is by NOT joking and laughing with the guy who he had stir up trouble in my life?? Do I just walk away from it and pray for the lot of them? I'm tired of this but the difficulty for me lie in that I have invested so much in the person, and now had intimate relations with this person *cringe*, and would like to at least remain amicable regardless of the past or the potential future because I have to see him on a consistent basis in my homegroup. I'm really sorry for spilling this stupid story but it's to the point now where I don't even trust my character assessment of this person or the decisions I've made in the amount of trust I've given him. I want to tell him how fucking self-centered, thoughtless, and selfish he is but I may just be giving power to it if I do that...