Moving on
I bought a house in the suburbs to be near my parents. I moved out of the city where I lived for almost 30 years. I moved back to the town where I grew up. It's a comforting feeling. I was terribly sad living in the city alone, you would think it would be the other way around because the city is filled with people and my house is on a quiet road with neighbors far away. I get lonely, but I have come to tell the difference between aloneness and loneliness. I don't mind the aloneness I feel, in fact, I like it very much. The loneliness is terrible, but not as bad when I lived in the city, the same city I lived in for fifteen years with my now ex. Besides, the last four years of our relationship were incredibly lonely. It was horrible.
I needed to be a different person. I couldn't live the same lifestyle I lived when I was with him. It was too sad, too depressing. And so I changed my life. And I am focusing on myself by going to therapy and learning how I contributed to the problems in our relationship. I have also stopped drinking, I haven't touched alcohol since February of this year, a major accomplishment.
I don't know what life has in store for me, but I want to be ready emotionally. I want to be a whole person again. Our relationship was toxic. A character in an HBO drama commented on her marriage and divorce by saying, "...it was like the marriage got cancer." That is exactly how it felt for me. It's sad, but that is the reality I keep having to accept over and over.
By owning up to my part in the relationship drama I am freeing myself up to receive love again. I want to find a nice man one day, but not now. My ex is already with someone and they were probably having an affair while we were together. It hurts but what can I do about it? Nothing. It doesn't really matter anymore. We are no longer associated with each other. I don't wish him bad, I don't wish him good. I only wish his memory would fade faster and that is hard because we have fifteen years of mutual friends.
I just need to keep focusing on myself and my beautiful new house, and keep getting support from my family. Life hasn't passed me by. I'm still in it and I know one day I will be happy again.
I needed to be a different person. I couldn't live the same lifestyle I lived when I was with him. It was too sad, too depressing. And so I changed my life. And I am focusing on myself by going to therapy and learning how I contributed to the problems in our relationship. I have also stopped drinking, I haven't touched alcohol since February of this year, a major accomplishment.
I don't know what life has in store for me, but I want to be ready emotionally. I want to be a whole person again. Our relationship was toxic. A character in an HBO drama commented on her marriage and divorce by saying, "...it was like the marriage got cancer." That is exactly how it felt for me. It's sad, but that is the reality I keep having to accept over and over.
By owning up to my part in the relationship drama I am freeing myself up to receive love again. I want to find a nice man one day, but not now. My ex is already with someone and they were probably having an affair while we were together. It hurts but what can I do about it? Nothing. It doesn't really matter anymore. We are no longer associated with each other. I don't wish him bad, I don't wish him good. I only wish his memory would fade faster and that is hard because we have fifteen years of mutual friends.
I just need to keep focusing on myself and my beautiful new house, and keep getting support from my family. Life hasn't passed me by. I'm still in it and I know one day I will be happy again.
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