Not good.

Not doing well at all.  The past couple of days have been terrible.  All of my bad ocd thoughts go towards my boyfriend and I hate it.  I'm so caught up in being perfect for him, and I feel like if I ever have any bad or mean thought about him, i'm a horrible person for it.  I feel like I need to confess it or else he could be with someone who if he knew everything he wouldn't want to be with.  I'm making myself doubt everything with him, and I wish I could just tell myself to stop it and shut up, but it's not that easy when I always feel like I need to figure everything out. 
I don't know what to do, but i'm seriously breaking down.  I don't think i'll ever get better.  I've been holding out hope that my new job will have health insurance so I can get a therapist, but that doesn't look like it's happening.  And I feel like this is getting so bad that by the time I can get help, it'll be too late for me to get over this.  :(