At the beginning of the year I made a resolution. Not to lose weight (that one would have been broken before Jan 1 was over) or to become more organized (I'm pretty good on that one) but to laugh more than I had last year. I thought this one would be a piece of cake (mmmmm.......cake).
What irony; the task that I thought would have been so easy to perform has proved impossible with Sarah's death. I'm unraveling and don't seem to find pleasure anywhere. Normal is a state that eludes me as I seek to try to redefine what that means now.

Replies

NoraMc
NoraMc

One reason I make no resolutions, even the \"easy\" ones are unatainable. I\'ll have some cake! May you have peace in your heart, Nora
KandL
KandL

I know. It is so hard to genuinely find joy & happiness - well I don\'t know really what that is anymore. I resent that all is bittersweet now. I\'m sorry. I wish I had some \"tips\" for you. I would say keep writing. You are not alone on this journey to figure out a life without our kids. I send you love & understanding. I know how much you miss Sarah I\'m with Nora, let\'s just have some cake. Tight hugs, Linda
annsullivan
annsullivan

What type of cake are you serving - when it comes to cake I am not picky - any type will do...you will laugh again one day & the guilt you will feel for doing it...just give yourself a chance to heal - it is a LONG SLOW process. I never thought I would laugh again but I do now...
biowoman
biowoman

It seems impossible...but somehow life DOES improve...keep trying everyday...love to you...Karen
eclectic
eclectic

Sometimes \"normal\" is overrated; it follows the agenda of the rest of the world. Where you are right now, is what\'s normal for you. Trying to find the grace in living when the joy of living is missing, is a struggle that demands your deepest resolve and energy. So let \"normal\" be elusive. Be at peace with unraveling. You\'re doing all the organic things necessary to reconnect to the tether of life. Take your time. Cry. Breathe.
deleted_user
deleted_user

What is \"normal\". Who the heck knows anymore? But I\'d like a piece of cake please. And as time goes by, a laugh here and there will escape from your throat (I guess that\'s where laughs come from) and you probably won\'t even realize that this has happened. It come gradually, unexpectedly, and I wish you peace. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
KimRW
KimRW

At this stage, it is hard sometimes. But one day, you will laugh again...when you least expect it. I think the pain of missing will always be with us, but you will move forward..just gradually. Wishing you some comfort, peace & laughter. Hugs, Kim
ForMomsOnly
ForMomsOnly

I love eclectic\'s comment - so comforting and wise. I, too, search for the ever-elusive \'normal\' and never seem to find it.

Remembering the early months after I lost Evan, all I wanted to know was: WHEN will I feel better, WHAT can I do to make the pain stop, WHY can\'t I get over this, WHERE is the magician or time traveler who can undo this horrible mistake. There were no answers, just more of the same unbearable pain. I found, too, that the harder I struggled, the worse it got. This had become my new normal, an inconceivable state of existence.

One day, I didn\'t cry. \"Oh, God,\" I thought, \"I am a terrible mother because I didn\'t fall apart today!\" That thought made me ashamed, so I cried twice as hard because (in my opinion) it was abnormal to go a day without crying. It goes on like that for most of us, or so it seems. What I\'m trying to say is that missing Sarah and being unable to function IS normal. Your world has been destroyed and will take time to rebuild.

You will find your way, Lori. With time. you will learn what works and what doesn\'t. Some of us can look at photographs and find peace - others can\'t look at them without risk of falling apart. Take it one day at a time, or an hour at a time - do what feels best for you. Be good to yourself and gentle with your broken heart. Take baby steps forward or just sit and rest for a while. We\'re here, plodding right along beside you.

With love and prayers - Barbara
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Each of us is so unique yet are tethered and anchored by our loss. It\'s in the not sinking and being uplifted and allowing ourselves to know that wherever we are for today is truly where we need to be. With you in this and trying to discover all of this as well. Love and hugs, Joanie
RememberKala
RememberKala

In June of 2009 I proclaimed a new goal for myself...to LMAO. Well, it hasn\'t happened yet, although I have had a couple of really good laughs. I\'m still waiting for that full, out of control, pee your pants kind of laugh. You know, the one you talk about for years afterward. I know it\'s coming....one day....