Sorry I haven't been on in so long, oh how I have missed the venting and feedback from my dear ds friends!! I got back to Dallas mid June. The transition was not easy for me, lots of regret, anger, shame, frustration and all around negative emotions. I was being steered back down a road, career and personal life, that I had already decided was not only not right for me, but almost unbearable. I also had to deal with the I told you so's from unwarranted advice givers and the emotional toll of realizing who my birth father really was. Could I have been more respectful and accomadating towards him when I arrived, maybe. But deep in my soul everything told me to run, now, and fast. I left southern California with a deep respect for my friends and family back home, as well as my.new found half sister in san Diego. Things bw the ex.. or whatever we are... are still so hot and cold. It took me months to find a job and finally found one I'm pretty happy at about a month ago. I'm trying to treat this job differently then everything I have in the past. I'm a big quitter, not so much when the going gets tough, or in terms of unhealthy addictions such as smoking, but in terms of feeling defeated and hopeless, and instead of believing and trusting in myself quit. Probably my biggest flaw... I feel different about this job though. i actually enjoy what I'm selling and promoting and it may not be ideal or high profile or a bank job like I had in the past, but I can firmly say I'm happy here. The best part is its full time which will enable me to get back out on my own and away from my narcisistic mother. How I wanted so badly to come back home and tell her how much I love her and thankful she raised me, but the only thing she could focus on was the fact I've gained 20 lbs in the last year I had been away. It's true, its been a long year and I hadn't been focusing on my exercise and eating habits, however she can not see past this and believes I will never make anything of myself or find a husband bc I'm such a loser and so fat. No one can see how pretty I am because I'm so overweight. For the last five months she has had no other words for me. It's been difficult to say the least and have been struggling to not succumb to my default emotions of hopelessness, emptiness, victimization, and ultimately see suicide as an only option... I'm sorry this journal.is so depressing, I just needed to get this stuff out of my head, but I can almost see the light... if anyone has any words or advice, please message me or comment, the loneliness and silence is sometimes deafening.
Replies
You\'ve had a very interesting sojourn in your life.
We really all are children of the dust...out among the stars. You need some healthy attachments and you\'ll find these when you find someone who is capable of loving themselves as well as you.
I\'ve been reading a book someone mentioned to me on here called Healing your Emotional Self, it talked about how we can gain weight, or lose weight drastically to put the spotlight, for them, on the physical, so they attack that instead of our true character instead. Found that interesting
We almost always act out our pathologies in one way or another.
You\'ll see young ladies gain massive weight after a rape. The underlying reasoning is that, by being overweight, they\'ll ward off another rape.
While, factually, this may indeed work...the overall purpose is to find a way to master their anxiety about living in a world where violent things happen to everyone.
Relational violence can push a person into a lot of compensatory activity.
Eating disorders are often the manifestation of self punishment. It\'s referred to as a \"control issue\"...but the only thing being metered or controlled is self punishment and self shame...self torture. Underlying that is, in my opinion, a form of inverse sadism based upon repressed rage from the violence that\'s been shown to the individual effected.
Please don\'t apologize for writing down your feelings! It\'s best to get those feelings out because by keeping them hidden they can do worst damage. There is an excellant book you should read called \"Healing the shame that binds me\" by John Bradshaw. It will help you, I am sure of that.
God Bless!