wow...
i cant believe how far I have come since my last journal. I have been seeing a therapist bi weekly and he is helping me examine my thoughts, and become the individual I want and know I can be... Ive kept both my jobs plus babysitting on the side since leaving my ex.I work around 60 hours a week now.. Oh how I miss my ex though... no matter what happened in the past I wish he was still with me, every day and every night, its like this huge gaping hole in my heart. But he has and continues to push me away, I am done fighting. I just wish he could see the progress Ive made and the life changing things that are happening to me right now... I feel like a psycho when I talk about him... so moving on!!..
I am going to meet my birth father next friday, I cant describe how this has changed and impacted my life... just by knowing him, I can not imagine actually physically seeing him. He was very young when he had me and said there was a sadness not knowing anything about me or if i was okay or happy or even alive... very sad stuff. He was an alcoholic but has been sober for 6.5 years, this experience of him finding me has been very surreal... he had to lay off a good friend, was lonely bored and sad one night so he was listening to and you tubing 80s songs that reminded him of my birth mother... they were 20 when I was born.. He then searched for her name where he found my adoption post on some website. Then had his daughter, my half sister contact me through facebook!??! my anxiety has increased from not using xanax anymore but I am convinced it is good for me. I am allowing myself to be uncomfortable in these emotions, so I am able to fully experience the happy.... I just pray everything goes well. What a special thanksgiving!!! It also will be hard bc my sister and her family, as well as most of my friends and my ex are going out of town, but I have not had much support regarding my biological father or parents from anyone, ever. Anyway... I am moving forward... 2011 will hopefully be better then 2010. Lets all pray I dont have a panic attack on the way to the hotel to meet the first biological relative i have ever met or known...... ever!!!!! One crazy life I lead.
Peace Love God...
Sunsets
I am going to meet my birth father next friday, I cant describe how this has changed and impacted my life... just by knowing him, I can not imagine actually physically seeing him. He was very young when he had me and said there was a sadness not knowing anything about me or if i was okay or happy or even alive... very sad stuff. He was an alcoholic but has been sober for 6.5 years, this experience of him finding me has been very surreal... he had to lay off a good friend, was lonely bored and sad one night so he was listening to and you tubing 80s songs that reminded him of my birth mother... they were 20 when I was born.. He then searched for her name where he found my adoption post on some website. Then had his daughter, my half sister contact me through facebook!??! my anxiety has increased from not using xanax anymore but I am convinced it is good for me. I am allowing myself to be uncomfortable in these emotions, so I am able to fully experience the happy.... I just pray everything goes well. What a special thanksgiving!!! It also will be hard bc my sister and her family, as well as most of my friends and my ex are going out of town, but I have not had much support regarding my biological father or parents from anyone, ever. Anyway... I am moving forward... 2011 will hopefully be better then 2010. Lets all pray I dont have a panic attack on the way to the hotel to meet the first biological relative i have ever met or known...... ever!!!!! One crazy life I lead.
Peace Love God...
Sunsets
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