I haven't written in a few days. I just didn't feel up to it. I've had good and bad days. Though them both I have had numb feeling of giving up. It seems I have been complaining often and thinking of my past. I try to speak about it, but get told " I've herd it before.". I have been told to settle down and to stop. That only causes me to feel more irritated, angry, and unimportant.    PMS week. No wonder. Where's the padded room?    8 Hours later.  I'm still feeling a sad numbness. I want to talk about it; but I get stalled every time I try. I am constantly questioning myself.  I am no fun these days. I'm not liking Steve very much either. I blame him for not trying as hard as he can to get a job. I don't think I'm being very fair to him about that. The one thing I know is, if I don't get the crap spoke, the worse I will get.    Dam me!!! I worry about saying things the wrong way, or blaming the wrong person. It would be so much easier to just take all the blame myself, hate myself then kill myself and get it over with. But NO!!! I have to fight and make myself suffer. It's all I really know. I am the best self abuser I know. I do it every day through most of the day, right in front of people and no one ever catches on. Can any of you cutters say that? Yes, I hate myself. I have many reasons for that. The more those reasons are pointed out to me the more I hate myself.    By the way I had a very crappy birthday. No cake, no gifts. And only Steve said happy birthday to me. Now don't I feel important….not.