life

i dont know how to not worry about the world. i want to be normal and have a life and be a good partner without going crazy. my head goes so fast yes even with meds. i have such a big heart but panic cause i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. i have gained too much weight and feel gross. yet i pay 40 months for mine and daughter gym pass. might help if i used it. went to ex house over weekend had nice time motorcycle ride dinner. did yard work it was really nice. didnt have sex, although its been so long my eyes are crossed but why do i feel so down this week. i need to forget the past and stop beating myself up. i freak cause she hasnt text me lastnight or this morning. just like to know people are alive and safe. why cant i just be like whatever when they wanna contact me ok.  i chase people and get so intense crazy nobody wants to play with me. i miss kinddyke like crazy. shes sick and in love and i need to know she is ok. i actually wipe numbers out of my phone so i leave people alone. i need to slow down cause i really really dont wanna be like this anymore. my boys graduated last weekend and it was beautiful. they are smart and such good kids. i ramble im done today