changes

wy do i continue to do the same thing time and time again and expect things to be different. very very depressed. i sat for 5 days by my grammys side and watched her die. i slept in her bed with her. she was the only person i know in th is world that never raised her voice at anyone. she didnt judge people. she was kind and loving. and i suck cause when people get sick i get scared and now shes gone and i didnt spend half the time with her that i should have. i denied my kids the pleasure of seeing her as much as i shouldve let them. im just lost. i suck at letting people close yet am so damn lonely. i feel like i am loosing my mind. my daughter is sick she is jut like me and i am trying so hard to help her some days i am just warn out. my boys are graduating next month and im so sad and scared. where the hell did nineteen years go. and to add to my stress i let my daughter skip school the other day. her father my ex husband came by and pulled his usual shit and tried to force himself on me while my daughter was hiding under the bed. she heard him saying things and was disgusted. i am fucked up and missing having any friends. i told them all to go to hell cause i am hurting