waiting

little nervous. im supposed to see the ex today if she is up to it. has been almost 2 weeks. just wanted some closure or something. maybe give her her clothes back so i dont look at them everytime i walk into my room. i dont know. i hurt im sad and i need to get out of this. i had long talk with sis yesterday and she said i just need to let her go but i really dont want to but know i should. i still both ways text all day long. she still calls me couple times a week. but the question is why. if she doesnt want me. why stay in contact. how do i make her talk to give me some kind of peace. i feel so shitty and unnattractive.. for months she couldnt even look me in the face when i tried to kiss her or touch her. she said she left cause she knew she was hurting me although she wanted to stay. i know a little she is hurting but cant stop freaking out when she tells me she is going out with friends. if i still have my head lost why doesnt she. i look like an old miserable bitch cause that is what im allowing myself to be