ugh
i feel like im freaking mentally challenged. and i hope noone takes offense. i feel like my brain doesnt work right. and that i should be perfectly happy the way things are and that i jjust start things just for attention. but i feel like im dying here and im freaking out. we had a really good night tuesday one of the best in a long time. why cant i be happy. why do i always want more. she came over thursday for like an hour and i have only talked to her by text since then. she was supposed to call after work last night only text like usual then i fell asleep for an hour then freaked out when i woke up and she hadnt called on her way home. she had really bad night again at work so shut me out again. yes i know shes independent but i need her to need something from me. been dating 5 months and havent had sex and about 2. omg thinking im gonna loose it soon. i swear if she dont stay this monday night like its been for last 3 weeks. im gonna pull what little hair i have left out of my head. im tired of feeling sorry for myself for no apparent reason. tired of sounding like a miserable bitch. got so mad cause a necklace i gave her for her graduation she dont wear anymore. i asked why she said it bothered her so she hung it in her truck. i offered to get it shortened other day and she said no thanks i might add it too her duty belt or put it on her other chain. i said fine . she knew i was hurt she said i dont need my her jewelry she wont wear any except her chain. and why should i be so hurt. i have never bought anyone jewelry before and she said she will wear it so why cant that be enough. why cant the beast just want to be with me as much as i want to be with her. i love her so much and im hurt and she doesnt want me and ya gonna stop now.
Replies
It\'s human to want things and we judge ourselves constantly when we want more or different than someone else wants or is able to give to us. I think it\'s easy to forget that it is human nature to want, and too easy to tell yourself you are being a monster or causing problems to \"want more\" as you put it. It\'s not really something bad to want or to want more. We just live in a culture where taking care of our own needs is perceived as selfishness, and for anxious kind of people, it\'s super hard to just accept wants and desires...especially if you love someone a lot, like you say you do, and you see that they can\'t--or even worse, won\'t--give you something that validates your feelings for them and reciprocates in your specific way.
That\'s the other thing that I see here...it\'s hard when people receive gratification and \"feel loved\" by different ways. I heard once that we often love in the way we wish we were loved. I\'m not saying it\'s true or false, but I\'ve found that I have definitely given of myself in the way that I wish someone would give to me. It\'s not that people can\'t appreciate different ways of being loved or interacted with, etc. It\'s more that...we have our own desires and needs as a reference. So maybe it would be something that would make you feel very loved and cared-for and \"wanted\" if she had given you a necklace, and so you can\'t understand why she doesn\'t behave with the gift as you would or treasure it at all/in the same way. It\'s not like anyone\'s in the wrong here...least of all you... You have a right to all of your feelings and it sucks to feel like you need or want more, and end up feeling guilty on top of that, like you don\'t appreciate enough what you have. It\'s not that though...you can really love someone and still want something different or more and you have every right to feel hurt...doesn\'t make you a bitch. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you don\'t mind such a long response to your journaling.
no i appreciate your long response. thank you
PLease be easy on yourself. what you said makes alot of sense..... I believe sadling said some fine things, maybe you can absorb her words and embrace them? I hope Monday goes as you hope, and I do wish you happiness, please accept others friendship and support and let others be here for you,,,,you are cared about and thought of, KD