Tired

Even though I should really kind of update this journal since it has been a while, like for example how my blood drawing was pretty ok (well I still cried and there was still an extra nurse necessary to hold me down but at least I didn't scream loud enough to be heard all through the hallway) or how my psych was excited that I felt some improvement after a week on 600mg and heightened my dose to 800mg after which I felt crap again for a week which is only getting slightly better since yesterday and which also means I have to go for bloodwork again next week, even though all of this happened and even more such as parties and committee work with a LOT of "horizontal" talk (im updated about my fellow students in the association in ways i wish i was ignorant about)(though, knowledge is power) and i'm still supposed to write some more essays between being depressed and still not knowing the result of the last one i 'wrote' (which was more like an excruciating labour of anger and frustration) and even more than that, I can't be bothered to go neat into detail and write it down in a way that reminds one less of Kant because lately I've found myself a bit tired of confronting myself all the time with my being bipolar. I'm already reminded of it enough throughout the day and having to face it all once again black on white isn't helping right now. I'll make a better post as soon as I can be bothered. Hope everyone else is doing good. 
 
post scriptum; woah, watch me trying to keep it short. disastrous results. btw, did you know how many parties bipolar is making me miss? like, i skip them because i 'know' it's 'better' for me if i don't stay up late and screw up my sleeping pattern and yadda yadda but damn, already missed 4 in a week! Yes there will be more, thank god, but i'm doing the 'sensible' thing now for a few months and it's already annoying me. i'm 20 dammit, i'm not supposed to do sensible things. at least when you get drunk you choose to be dysfunctional, at the moment nature's kinda forcing dysfunctional down my throat with no booze in sight. and of course nature is unfair and karma doesn't exist but something still feels very off and undeserved about this. 
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Replies

lightbright
lightbright

Hey Moirne,

I don\'t know if you\'re like me or not, but I remember that after I was diagnosed with bipolar, I sort of started thinking that I was...do you know what I mean? I started acting like a bipolar person would just because I felt that \"well if that\'s the way I am then I have no control over it,\" and so I started to BE bipolar, by the textbook definition, not to mention that I didn\'t like feeling that I was abnormal or mentally ill. Plus the meds I was on affected my behavior, which made me feel even more out of control and conflicted about my self-image/self-esteem/identity. That only made me feel bad, and I tried to cope with those feelings which proved to be harmful to me. Please, don\'t sell yourself over to the diagnoses because you are not defined by this; the diagnoses is not you--It\'s just a description of a collection of symptoms that some people experience, but they don\'t have to be bound by them. You are not \"bipolar\". Bipolar is not You---it\'s something that happened because of something that hurt you in the past and how you were hurting inside and tried to cope with it. Isn\'t it? I know that\'s why I started to be \"bipolar.\" So when you find out the reasons why and examine them, when you see why you turned to the thoughts and actions that you had in order to try to cope with the hurt, then you can find resolution with this new understanding, and forgive yourself and accept yourself and see how lovable and good you really are, and you move on from that old hurting self, and become who you want to be now and in the future.

There are roots to every psychological \'problem\' and those roots can be uplifted; those knots can be untied. Talk therapy helps tremendously with a good therapist. YOU are not abnormal, remember...Everyone is shaped by the things that have happened to them and the internal responses to these things. A good counselor and therapy can help reverse the thought patterns that may be interfering with the quality of life and inner love/peace for one\'s self.

If this message makes you feel weird at all, I apologize it, and please feel free to delete it. I just thought I would tell you what my experiences were after being diagnosed as bipolar and then deciding to liberate myself from it, as well as how I am experiencing success and progress in my life now that I have talk therapy. I believe you can achieve that, too.

And NOW, it\'s time for ME to ramble :) You know what I discovered the other day? I closed my eyes, and emptied out everything, the stress, the thoughts. I stopped them dead in their tracks by choosing to not let them downward spiral, and when I closed my eyes, I saw images of the landscape as it morphed through time, and in that suspended peaceful moment, there was a smile on my face and true happiness inside. I realized the world is so much bigger than I am, and that was a relief. I let go of the petty issues and negative emotions that were about to consume my mind, and instead united myself with the mind of the earth as I viewed her memories : ) Just let it go...it\'s like \"whoosh.\" ahhhh
Moirne
Moirne

Dear lightbright, thank you for your sincere comment. It\'s not making me feel weird at all, we are only trying to understand each other in our own ways. I know bipolar is only the label and not me, though such fine lines get a bit more blurry when feeling down. I believe my bipolar is a bit more biological in origin, depression runs in the family. There were hard times of course, but nothing out of proportion. One of the reasons I never recognised my depressions was because I thought something \'big and bad\' had to happen first for this, and my life was (is!) pretty awesome. I wondered why I was feeling so bad while my life was so good, which consequently made me feel even worse about myself.

Going undiagnosed through the last 4 years of high school taught me a lot about myself, because I only had myself to look at instead of a diagnosis or label. This was good in a way, because now that I do have the label stuck on me, I have a very strong sense of self. I know who I am and what I want despite my bp. This helps me a lot in handling my episodes. On the other hand, I can see quite clearly all the things I\'m missing out or cannot achieve because of bp. Because I know pretty well what I\'m about, I can also feel exactly how bp is holding me back. At the moment I\'m trying to shift my paradigm, my mindset, and try to realise I have to set different measurements for myself. I try to not want too much or be too hard on myself, and work from what I *can* do instead of what I can\'t. But sometimes this doesn\'t work and I just see and feel the loss and the hardship it brings me. Frustration. Hopelessness. Then I just listen to music and try to forget myself.

I do realise everyone has their own demons to sort out, and if I wouldn\'t have this, it would be something else, and that there is no \"better\" or \"worse\" in this, the only difference is in how you treat it and give it a place in your life and heart. This is what I\'m sorting out at the moment, and I\'m going through all sorts of emotional phases in the process. It also makes you look at yourself a lot, maybe too much, so I will try to let go more :)
lightbright
lightbright

Who do you want to be?
Moirne
Moirne

Myself. Without compromise yet without ignoring my environment.