Depressed...
I can't quite explain why but I have been kind of depressed lately.. It's been years since I experienced it like this and I hoped I never would again... I have some theories on why I've been feeling this way and why it's soo slowly been getting worse but this morning for some reason I just broke down. It was weird, I knew it was coming since I woke up but hours went by without anything.
Although I suspect it's mostly chemical/physical this time I'm not entirely sure. A number of things have happened recently that also could have triggered it but not like this. This is just odd, random and uncomfortable. A good friend of mine once explained EXACTLY the way I've been feeling: It's like having a dark passenger at the back of your mind who whispers dark, tormenting things in your ear.. For once I can honestly say nothing this supposed dark passenger says is worth listening to but sometime you just can't help but listen. Even more emotionally disturbing, although my life is actually going pretty well I can't shake this horrible feeling of despair and dread deep down, It's like trying to keep myself calm and stable while fighting this horrible monster inside that'll just tear and destroy everything if I give up the fight.
I feel ridiculous because I've been feeling soo strange lately. Although I am on stuff that helps a lot with depression, it seems like these drugs are being over powered. Like there's something else that these drugs aren't treating. My mind has been full of all kinds of dark thoughts. Thinking of my past, remembering back to the darkest part of my life. I try not to let these thoughts and memories get to me but more and more they keep coming back up to the surface and it's been driving me crazy!
As one of you knows, I recently asked out this girl I've loved for years. My feelings for her have never caused me much distress before but now... For the first time since a few months after we met we're both single. I've sort of let my feelings grow a little, show a little more.. but as all of you know, these feelings have never been good in the past. It's hard to shake off the memories of how much worse I get when I fall in love with someone and although for the first time ever I've met someone who seems to feel the same way, some part of me has a really hard time believing that she could ever love me back the same way. We've never talked about it before. In fact, I don't even think she knew I had feelings for her until fairly recently when I finally asked her out. She said yes. Yet another reason to try to just tune out this dark passenger; this horrible feeling inside that this can't possibly go well.
On top of that my mind keeps wandering back to dark memories, some associated with these feelings. I've been trying hard to keep my mind focused and not to let any of this bother me but sometimes, like this morning, it just breaks through. I've been thinking a lot about my best friend who killed himself back in 2010. Missing him like crazy. I know, it was years ago and I really should just let it go. For the most part I have put it behind me but sometimes this too just comes back. The first night I started feeling like this I actually looked up his name, read some of the things his friends, neighbors and family said about him and I started crying.. I hadn't even cried for years before that night.
Right now, my life is going ok. It's not perfect, but I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I have my own place finally. Been spending a lot of time with this wonderful, beautiful, intelligent girl and her 6 year old son and enjoying every second of it. The kid isn't mine (obviously) but he seems to really like me a lot and their entire family seems to love me. They all seem to accept me as extended family, even before I asked her out. I spend a lot of time doing things that just make me feel good. I work off my rent by caring for cats (I live on a cat sanctuary) and I absolutely adore every one of these cute furry creatures.
I hope this passes soon... This horrible feeling inside has been making me hesitate, second guess myself, fall into silent, deep, dark thoughts.. I know I don't really have a reason to believe that anything these feelings make me think or feel is real. That it's all just in my head, just some echo from a darker past that until just a few weeks ago I've been able to put behind me....
Although I suspect it's mostly chemical/physical this time I'm not entirely sure. A number of things have happened recently that also could have triggered it but not like this. This is just odd, random and uncomfortable. A good friend of mine once explained EXACTLY the way I've been feeling: It's like having a dark passenger at the back of your mind who whispers dark, tormenting things in your ear.. For once I can honestly say nothing this supposed dark passenger says is worth listening to but sometime you just can't help but listen. Even more emotionally disturbing, although my life is actually going pretty well I can't shake this horrible feeling of despair and dread deep down, It's like trying to keep myself calm and stable while fighting this horrible monster inside that'll just tear and destroy everything if I give up the fight.
I feel ridiculous because I've been feeling soo strange lately. Although I am on stuff that helps a lot with depression, it seems like these drugs are being over powered. Like there's something else that these drugs aren't treating. My mind has been full of all kinds of dark thoughts. Thinking of my past, remembering back to the darkest part of my life. I try not to let these thoughts and memories get to me but more and more they keep coming back up to the surface and it's been driving me crazy!
As one of you knows, I recently asked out this girl I've loved for years. My feelings for her have never caused me much distress before but now... For the first time since a few months after we met we're both single. I've sort of let my feelings grow a little, show a little more.. but as all of you know, these feelings have never been good in the past. It's hard to shake off the memories of how much worse I get when I fall in love with someone and although for the first time ever I've met someone who seems to feel the same way, some part of me has a really hard time believing that she could ever love me back the same way. We've never talked about it before. In fact, I don't even think she knew I had feelings for her until fairly recently when I finally asked her out. She said yes. Yet another reason to try to just tune out this dark passenger; this horrible feeling inside that this can't possibly go well.
On top of that my mind keeps wandering back to dark memories, some associated with these feelings. I've been trying hard to keep my mind focused and not to let any of this bother me but sometimes, like this morning, it just breaks through. I've been thinking a lot about my best friend who killed himself back in 2010. Missing him like crazy. I know, it was years ago and I really should just let it go. For the most part I have put it behind me but sometimes this too just comes back. The first night I started feeling like this I actually looked up his name, read some of the things his friends, neighbors and family said about him and I started crying.. I hadn't even cried for years before that night.
Right now, my life is going ok. It's not perfect, but I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I have my own place finally. Been spending a lot of time with this wonderful, beautiful, intelligent girl and her 6 year old son and enjoying every second of it. The kid isn't mine (obviously) but he seems to really like me a lot and their entire family seems to love me. They all seem to accept me as extended family, even before I asked her out. I spend a lot of time doing things that just make me feel good. I work off my rent by caring for cats (I live on a cat sanctuary) and I absolutely adore every one of these cute furry creatures.
I hope this passes soon... This horrible feeling inside has been making me hesitate, second guess myself, fall into silent, deep, dark thoughts.. I know I don't really have a reason to believe that anything these feelings make me think or feel is real. That it's all just in my head, just some echo from a darker past that until just a few weeks ago I've been able to put behind me....
Replies
Don\'t let it get you down. Fight it and keep looking forward to a brighter tomorrow. Depression is triggered so, identify the trigger for what it is and keep on fighting the good fight.
I can\'t honestly say I know exactly what triggered it, but as you might have guessed something did happen that would usually do it. The thing is, it happened AFTER I first started feeling like this... THIS passed briefly... but now I\'m just empty... Which I guess is better than constantly feeling at the edge of a pretty intense breakdown... but I feel soo strangely still.... stuck... like all my emotions are just blocked or something.... I\'ll write another journal about it in a minute or two...
You know I was wondering when I was going to feel anything like this ever again... for the longest time it was all just gone. I felt good... happy even... It was nice and as I said I hoped never to feel the way I do now ever again... but as usual, depression doesn\'t just go away and I honestly don\'t really feel like I can fight it much anymore.