hi all. hope ya all had a great weekend. mine was long and busy and somewhat fun. saturday a friend and i took a road trip about an hour from my house. i have been trying to find out answers about my childhood so we went to a cemetary trying to find my sisters grave. by grace of God we stummbled upon it. it was just a little bitty marker with her last name and year of birth and death. i was kind of angry that she only had a marker. i   called  yesterday tothe funeral home and cemetary office for more information. will talk more about that later. well then sunday i helped a friend fix her bed and clean her house(it was so gross). monday i went to see my daughter who is an hour and 15 minutes away. my twin daughters also went. we went to the park where there were deers we could pet, we played and we grilled out. had alot of fun. then we hurried home and picked my son and went and met some friends at the casino/hotel were my friends had a room and we went swimming at the pool. kids had fun time.
now back to my baby sister. found out that she was born on 6-13-1971. now my mother had told me she didnt remember birthday and said year was 1970. the funeral home had her records with her full name, parents name and that she only lived 30 minutes, and where she was buried. i then called the cemetary and they said they did not have my sister their that all they could find was a baby boy and records showed name of Robert. well i later found out that they bought the lot under my fathers name. now you would have to know my parents to understand what all this means. first i never knew i had a sister until recently another family member told me. i asked my mother about it and she then admitted to me that i did have a sister. she said her doctor was horrible. she said she was 9 months along but doctor told her she was only 7 months along. she said the night she went into labor the doctor was drunk and had been arrested but they brought him to hospital to deliver her baby and he killed her. oh my gosh what a horrible story. what a horrible lie. i am not that stupid. i was 3 and a half years old and my brother would have been 5 and a half years old. my brother wont remember any of his childhood except the sexual abuse he got from our mother. he has blocked it all out. i was in foster care at the time due to sever abuse by my parents physically, mentally, and sexually.
so i know now my sister did die 30 minutes after birth but now i need to know why. i still talk to my mother just because i hope to get more answers from her without her knowing what i am doing. she does not know that i know stuff and i know about her lying to me about my sister and so much more. i want so bad to just go off on her and tell her i know things and that i am sick of her lies but for now i have to continue to call her and be all nice in hopes to find out more. it really is taking a toll on me though and eating away at me inside. i am on an emotion rollercoaster right now. i go from hurt to anger to confused to depressed to numb. i really like the numb but know that is not healthy cause then i turn to unhealthy coping skills like not eating, lots of excersice, and self harming.
well i guess thats about it for now. before i came here i went to the school and had lunch with the girls. i didnt like it nor was i hungry but i did have a salad, cottage cheese, and a strawberry serbert. now i need to go home and mow my lawn to work off what i just ate. take care my friend and God bless ya all.