i hope what i have to say today does not afend anyone. i just need to vent. i have been reading peoples journals today and i like that cause that lets me know where people are and how they are doing. today i have read some that have made me down right weep but that might be just what i have needed. peoples losses and past hurts help me realize i am not alonebut my heart goes out to them and breaks right along with theirs. thats just the way i am made up. i just wish i was as strong and courages as some of you. so many of you are so far in your recovery even though there are set backs for the most part you are doing good. for those out there hurting today i am here for you. today i seem to be struggling with losses of loved ones and my past childhood abuses and how they are now affecting my life. throughout my treatment with abuse and ED i have felt like i am dealing with my issues in two planes. the hurts from the past have to be faced(but i just am not ready) and my current habits have to be evaluated because i am a mother. it hurts me to realize that i am passing along to my kids the same wounds that have caused me grief. my biggest fear is that my kids will turn out like me. i don't want all of my inadequacies and weaknesses passed along to another generation. i know that some of the ways that my parents dealt with food were unhealthy, and yet i see myself making simular mistakes. i don't want my kids to be paranoid about being fat, obssessed with food, or compulsive in thier behaviors. i have taken steps to assure my kids are not abused as i was. i would never physicaaly or sexually hurt or abuse my children. i have broken that cycle. but because of the ED i feel like emotionally my kids are affected and i hate that i am doing this to them. my kids are aware that i don't like the way i deal with food. i tell them that the way i do things are not right. i just hope that that they will be able to see what i do is wrong and follow the right ways. kind of like i know how my parents abused me was wrong so i don't do it. maybe and hopefully they will see my mistakes and stay far away from them.today i feel like such a failure as a mother and just a person. why can't i get my shit straight? although i had a fun weekend with my family it was also difficult. i know it is a symptom of ED to forget and have lack of concentration but it is getting rediculous. saturday i left my billfold at the park. it was found but minus $100. now i don't know how to pay some of my bills. how stupid of me. then i left my purse in a parking lot sunday but thankfully my husband found it. then yesterday i left my cell phone in a public bathroom(i did get it back). what is happening to me? am i beyond hope? i feel so hopeless and worthless. i don't think i deserve the blessings i have. i can't quit crying and can't even see to type so i am going for now. the sun is out so maybe things will brighten up inside me too because right now i am broken. hope everyones gday goes good. hugs to all.
Replies
Darlin you are ok!! Its time to stop regroup and reprioritize...
If the journals are too much, perhaps take a break from them. I have done that and no one would ever think less of you. I have suffered from bulemia off and on and have a horrid body image etc...I know that if I put healthy food down for my son, encourage the right kind of excersize he is going to be fine! You are doing fine and are no failure!!! Hang in there sweetie!
you are not alone honey. yesterday I juat had to say I was taking a break from the boards cuz I am so anxious and touchy and in pain! we all have to take a step back nw and then. I do not have eating disorders now, but I used to be a compulsive eater- ate everything in sight! i didn\'t even feel as though it was me doing it - must be somene else! Breaking that took a long time. What kind of treatment have you already gotten? do you go to a clinic or counselor just for ED? message me if you like, I am always happy to listen, and help if i can. Blessings to you sweetie - not so hard on yourself, ok? Star
Scarlett is right, you just have to hang on! I have left things all over the part to and lost or misplaced them too. I have learned that if there is something important that i have on me i just have to make sure i have it with me hundreds in an hour. lol Well I sure that everything will work out for you, with your bills and the Kids too. You are great and they will see that.
NO! it\'s OK! I am absolutely POSITIVE you are a good Mother from the loving way you write about how important it is to you to break the cycle of abuse. GOOD for U!!!! And don\'t worry too much about being a bit scatter brained when you are under stress. Look up cortisol on the web. It is a stress hormone we make when we are under duress. It blocks the brain\'s ability to think and makes you just want to fight or run away from a perceived threat. When you are full of cortisol you can\'t think because your brain is short circuited! Now I have a funny story for you that might make you feel a little better. When I was a little girl I used to love to hog down on cold cereal. When i was finished I would always put the cereal box back in the fridge and the milk carton back in the cupboard! LMAOROTF!!! Yup! I sure did. Drove my Mom crazy , but at age five I doubt I was losing my memory or anything! Tee hee! Don\'t beat yourself dear. You are a loving mom and you will do fine! Elizabeth
I feel the same way as you do, about parenting and worthlessness, past hurts and current habits says it well.
I am glad you can vent here. You are not a mother. You are protecting your kids. Sounds like a success to me. I wish you were my mother! You are a person too, and people are not perfect. Trying to always be perfeect leads to heartbreak. I wish I was strong too. I have such rollercoaster - up / down days. Thanks for being there for me too. :)