today is going to be way busy. i have a dentist appointment, my sons have doctor apointments, my daughter has appointment, have to take son to friends after appointment and have group at church tonight. very busy but helps keep my mind from thinkg to much. some things on my mind today are:my life has been based on fear, guilt and shame for 39 years.because of this the perspective i have grown up with is harsh and feeling unloved. i feel so judged, condemed that i have built thick walls around my heart. i will not be hurt again. i have real trust issues but am feeling pretty good about this site. my trust has been violated so many times its hard to trust. it is hard for me to accept things at face value. i decided as a child that is so-called responsible adults were not worthy of my trust then no one is reliable. not eating and punishing myself is how i deal with the guilt shame and anger i feel. it isn't working very well but it does distract me from some of the pain in my life. food is my enemy. i am trying to eat but still feel so insecure. a perfect body is what i have said i would die for but the truth is i could alot of people do. i am putting way to much emphasis on my outward appereance while i am crumbling on the inside. people will disappoint me and their oppinions can't always be trusted, food is just fuel for my body, and evev a perfect body can't give me any guarantees against lifes pain.