Help!

The mania is changing. I am starting to get paranoid and spending time crying.... so here comes the mixed state which will be followed by ultradian cycling followed by a suicidal depression. I'm scared, I don't want to do this again. I'm tired of having months of my life sucked away by this shit. My pdoc ok'd massive doses of Klonopin to try and get me to sleep on the weekends.... I start with 10 mgs and add 1 more mg every hour till I fall asleep... last weekend it took 12 mgs but I slept for 36 hours straight, felt ok on Monday but over the week it just escalated again and now I am back to square one. The only other option is hospitalization and I can't go there now. It is my pdocs first choice but I am refusing. My credit cards are all maxed again and I get 2 or 3 packages in the mail everyday.... I have no idea how much money I spent on ebay and Amazon but now I cry when I get the boxes because I can't even remember what I bought and I know what I have done. Give it an hour though and I will be back on ebay happily charging to credit cards that are already at their limit.... Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't know what to do.