Hurt

First I want to start by saying congrats to everyone that is expecting..... Lord knows you all deserve it....... Althought I have to admit it hurts me to my soul that i am not.... Dont get me wrong I'm not jealous by far i am very happy for all of you yet sad and mad at myself because had I not gotten my tubes tied. I probably would be too.... I am in a very lonely place I been so strong for so long I am not even sure how to show any weakness. We all get there I suppose, you know it's funny I have always been the strong one the one with all the encouraging words the one that always had her stuff together... The smart one the pretty one the spiritual. Now I feel less then and yet I am still trying to keep some of my titles I dont even know who I am anymore... Ya know I never really fell into the whole writing venting things... because although your moods and feelings and thoughts change people tend to hold on to what they want to about you...So if I thought and felt this way one day and decided to express that when my aspect or whatever i was going threw changes pepole hold on to the weakness... Not all I guess i am just rambling. But now i find myself all alone, I am not longer the successful one the spiritual one the one to be jealous of... i am the one to laugh at... And that hurts my soul. I am at a stand still I dont know what to do from now. I dont know what I am doing I dont know if I am making the right decsions I dont know much of anything anymore. I've accepted what happened to Journee and it was easy for me to heal because I knew that god had my back. And although I didnt understand I just knew regaurdless to whatever was going on everything would be ok... And things got really bad after she was gone but everything was always ok.... I miss my baby so much.. it hurts so bad... I wanted her so much... and although my tubes are tied apart of me just knew that he will still gibe me another one.. I knew that he is bigger than some medical procedure and I will get that feeling that she gave me back... Now everywhere I turn someone else gets to enjoy that feeling and I still continue to be strong and continue to have faith and know that my day will come.... I still feel that but omg.. the pain that waiting causes is unbearable... I cant help but to blame myself for getting my tubes tied. I have so many different thoughts and feelings right now it's unreal.... I dont know... this is just something else that me and the good oh lord will have to figure out.... I will be praying for all of you.. and thanking god in advance that you will have perfect pregnancies and give birth to perfect babies that you grow into perfect men and women... God Bless all of you... xoxo