Hurt

First I want to start by saying congrats to everyone that is expecting..... Lord knows you all deserve it....... Althought I have to admit it hurts me to my soul that i am not.... Dont get me wrong I'm not jealous by far i am very happy for all of you yet sad and mad at myself because had I not gotten my tubes tied. I probably would be too.... I am in a very lonely place I been so strong for so long I am not even sure how to show any weakness. We all get there I suppose, you know it's funny I have always been the strong one the one with all the encouraging words the one that always had her stuff together... The smart one the pretty one the spiritual. Now I feel less then and yet I am still trying to keep some of my titles I dont even know who I am anymore... Ya know I never really fell into the whole writing venting things... because although your moods and feelings and thoughts change people tend to hold on to what they want to about you...So if I thought and felt this way one day and decided to express that when my aspect or whatever i was going threw changes pepole hold on to the weakness... Not all I guess i am just rambling. But now i find myself all alone, I am not longer the successful one the spiritual one the one to be jealous of... i am the one to laugh at... And that hurts my soul. I am at a stand still I dont know what to do from now. I dont know what I am doing I dont know if I am making the right decsions I dont know much of anything anymore. I've accepted what happened to Journee and it was easy for me to heal because I knew that god had my back. And although I didnt understand I just knew regaurdless to whatever was going on everything would be ok... And things got really bad after she was gone but everything was always ok.... I miss my baby so much.. it hurts so bad... I wanted her so much... and although my tubes are tied apart of me just knew that he will still gibe me another one.. I knew that he is bigger than some medical procedure and I will get that feeling that she gave me back... Now everywhere I turn someone else gets to enjoy that feeling and I still continue to be strong and continue to have faith and know that my day will come.... I still feel that but omg.. the pain that waiting causes is unbearable... I cant help but to blame myself for getting my tubes tied. I have so many different thoughts and feelings right now it's unreal.... I dont know... this is just something else that me and the good oh lord will have to figure out.... I will be praying for all of you.. and thanking god in advance that you will have perfect pregnancies and give birth to perfect babies that you grow into perfect men and women... God Bless all of you... xoxo

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am sorry you are feeling down..I wish there was something I could do. You sure cheered me up that one night with my beautiful website:)

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

xoxox
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry... I am one of those preggo people, but I have to admit that it really hasn\'t helped. If anything the raging hormones are making me all over the place. There has to be something that can eventually be done. ((hugs))
NVDoula
NVDoula

I\'m so sorry you\'re feeling down. It\'s okay to not be strong all the time. I\'m sure being \'strong\' through such a loss is a hard title to keep up with. I used to be like you...thought I had it all...now I feel like a no one...or at least someone that no one understands...except for those walking this path with me. Thinking of and praying for you. AND--thanks for the pic comments. Sorry I missed you on chat again yesterday...my DS chat never works very well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry for yur loss. I know how you feel. I can not seem to find myself anymore. I am lost and thee is no one to point you in the right direction. The kind of love Devon gave me is not replaceable, and the pain i have since he has been gone is endless. I have not been anywhere where i might see a baby because i do not think i can handle that right now. Just know you are not alone and the most crazy thoughts you have had i assure you all of us have them it to.
deleted_user
deleted_user

OH HUGS and Love being sent your way sweetie! This is a journey of finding out how to live in our new lives, it is a roller coaster of emotions. Thinking of you and praying for peace to be felt in your soul!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thinking of you and praying for strength. You are so right the Lord will bring you through all things. Hang in there all things are possible through Him.
LaylaF
LaylaF

Oh sweetie I\'m sorry. It\'s so hard when there are pregnant people everywhere and you just feel like its thrown in your face. Remember you don\'t have to be strong all the time. It\'s ok to be angry or what ever emotions you may be feeling! Tight hugs hon.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry. I think everyone is right. U don\'t have to be strong all the time. And I do believe that the Lord will bring you through it. You might now see it now, as I struggled with this... but eventually things work themselves out. I am sending lots of hugs ur way!
deleted_user
deleted_user

know you are not alone, i feel the exact same. my tubes aren\'t tied, but a year now i haven\'t been able to conceive.... you are not alone
deleted_user
deleted_user

know you are not alone, i feel the exact same. my tubes aren\'t tied, but a year now i haven\'t been able to conceive.... you are not alone
deleted_user
deleted_user

Awww hey boo boo, I\'m sorry you were feeling this way. And it\'s okay to feel weak at times, it\'s what makes us human. To feel weak at times is what makes us stronger in the long run. And the Good Lord has plans for your so just keep faith!! Well I hope everything is getting a little better, I noticed ur status msg said happy birthday to your daughter and I\'m sure she\'s looking upon you. You are a great person sweetie and anyone who has come across you is fortunate to have someone like you to turn to when other\'s aren\'t there! Love ya girl!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry! I\'ve been feeling so down lately. I\'ve been telling myself I shouldn\'t have gotten prego! It\'s making me sad and mad all over again. I feel your pain and anger. I keep saying all I want is my Kason back! It\'s ok to break and say you know what I\'m not the strong one. You need your time too! Something good is going to come to you. Takes more time for others.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Take time for yourself and your feelings...you certainly don\'t have to be strong all of the time. Your faith is such an inspiration to read and helps all the mommies on this site...I beleive that we will all have good things eventually...we just have to be patient I guess. Thinking of you!