12/7 so thats 100 days

100 days, this weekend, i had plans friday, they cancelled, i had planned saturday they cancelled, i had a free sunday, wow all that free time and i thought of it, here and there, it came to me, now that im sober and set on the right path, it doesnt mean it goes away, its just an idea that pops in my head, i dont block it, i entertain it, ok....lets say you go, then to the bank, then on the parkway, then 50 min. away give or take, then that parking lot that MOFO parking lot, i used to valet when i was a gold member, but waiting for the valet became so excruitiating after a binge, i started to park and walk, so in my mind im in the cold/dark parking lot, heart pumping / racing, get inside the doors feel the air, see the guard, go up the escalater, then the next esclator, then the card/points get my comp, try to walk slow dont show them how anxious i am, these people that i never knew i want to prove i dont have a problem, find my machine, get my cocktail, ready to go, am up, slip the 20 in, it cant go in fast enough, hit the f**** button....i love life, i talk to the crowd, im down, i want to drink more, dont want to talk, start pullng my hair, realize, i cant win, go back and get another 300.00, go back, spririts high, this time it will work, it has too, it doesnt, i have to get up, i have walk out, i could get another 200.00 - maybe just 100.00, you have to win now right?  sometimes i will.....this time its ok, go home.......go to the gift shop buy my candle w/my free comp points, go down the escalator, go down the next escaltor, find the door, walk the walk, pass the guard, the walk of shame, hating everyone walking in with a smile on , fuck you, you're gonna lose, you think its fun in there, it is, until it isnt, its over, now, later, soon, some day, everyday,, anyday, walk to the car, where is the MOFO car, up down up down, i forget, im drunk, im pissed, just let me find my car god please...guys cat calling me, hey baby i'll help you find your car, fuck - i want to go home i hate this place, get the car, start it (thank you) drive the route, cant get out too many car, get the fuck out of my way, drive drive drive, hate myself, punched the window once, broke the windshield, called GA twice, they pissed me off, seems like a million miles, i pull in, thank god i made it home, im starving, i get it find my dog missing me, i drag myself to eat everything anything all of it, something has to make me feel better, the bed, NOOOOO i dont want to go to bed, I DONT WANT TO WAKE UP AND REMEMBER what i did, maybe if i sleep in another room, or the couch, the view when i wake up woke hurt that bad, i have to sleep what choice .....i'll be OK in the am ..this time will be different, i swear i can get through it again, i sleep, i wake up, it hits me like a wave, pain, crash, regret, pain, horrible, excrutiating, bad scene, dont want to wake up, dont want to look up an see myself, i dont want to remmeber, i want to crawl into a hole, i make it up, i eat, i got to church, ask god why, hate myself, the mother mary statue is outside, she soothes my pain, its temporary, the hours go, the minutes hurt, the pain remain, the night comes, the morning is better, the next couple of days is me convincing myself im going to be ok....im not, i cant trust myself, i might go again how do i not know that for sure?  i dont trust myself....i dont trust anything....i was to crawl ...i want god to fix it to make it all better, he has to .....PLEASE HEAR ME....
thank god, thank you god, you are the only one ....i love you...thank you for the bottom of my heart...
i didnt go, but i play that in my mind, and im ok, im home / or at the mall xmas shopping, or at a  friends having coffee, thanking my higher power for having my back and giving me the tools/foresight to get through my panic and cravings :) xxxxooooo