12/21/17

Today sort of sucks. I am thinking about the holidays since Christmas is 4 days away. It is kind of sending me into a bit of an upset state. One of the major reasons that I try not to think about Christmas is because I can’t do any of the things that I am used to doing.

My life is pretty good, I mean I have everything that I physically need, home, food, and family even if it is not in the same space. Hell, my bills are paid every month, and if we keep doing the same thing then we will be able to continue to do that. It just sucks because we don’t have extra money, right now we don’t even have extra money because everything that we have goes into our gas tanks to try and keep me able to go to work to pay the rest of our bills.

So the Christmas season kind of sucks, I am used to a decorated house, at least a little bit, a tree even if its made out of lights, I think that is basically all we have for decorations, and at home right now we don’t even have that. I am also used to homes full of decorations, and a different feeling. Thinking about it now, I actually just got even more sad because some of it is my own fault. I am still so stuck in the negative feelings and thought processes that I haven’t even changed anything. I mean, yes, I am working on it, and noticing how I feel around it, but I still haven’t done anything to change it. My boyfriend was right about one part of our argument yesterday. I bitch about the house needing to be cleaned and reorganized, but I don’t really do anything about it. My excuse has been that I have been having a hard time dealing with my own thoughts and feelings towards the negative things in my life (like having children leave my home.)  It sucks to realize that the feeling in my home is partially my own fault, but one really good thing is that I am not making it worse by letting the ‘voice’ make it worse. The only thing that can be done at this point is to change what I can so Christmas at my home is not enveloped in even more sadness and guilt.

So one of the reasons for this post was to talk about what makes me sad about the holidays, and although it is kind of sporadic, this post is mostly about that, and the changes that can be made not only to thinking, but to reaction as well. But, this season is sad right now because I can’t do anything that I would like to, I haven’t decorated my house, I haven’t even bought a single gift for anyone, and I haven’t done any further consideration in adopting a kitten for the house this year. I am going to break this down farther because I need to write about how I feel, even if it is on me. I must look at the feelings, the thoughts that are making it hard to move on.

 A major area of guilt and pain is that I haven’t been able to send my 7-year-old Christmas at all, and I must realize that because I haven’t done anything differently he won’t receive Christmas on Christmas. It hurts because he isn’t here, there is no way he will be here, and there is nothing that can change that from happening. However, I can go out and try to make it a decent gift that he will receive late because I can’t get him out here. For this, other than going out and getting his gifts’ so he can receive them asap, I need to trust that his father will give him the best possible Christmas. (It really sucks to have to trust his father to do anything for him, and not be able to do anything for him myself.) I’m sad that we haven’t gotten anything for my stepchildren, though this is not as upsetting because they are in the same state, hell, we could go see them today if we wanted to and made a call. I’m sad that we haven’t decorated or cleaned, and I have my part in doing that just as much as my boyfriend does. We don’t have the money to decorate, but even still our home still holds the feeling of sadness. I don’t know if anyone else in my home feels it, but for me it is mostly my own fault.

I think the major thing that I need to do is figure out how to move past being stuck in this negative fog that has enveloped my life so much. Honestly, I think the first step is to change what I expect out of myself, and the way that I express myself. Which is overall what my journey is about, but this is just towards I suppose really starting my recovery, and starting to work towards my goal. What needs to happen is making plans towards getting things done, I think first with cleaning my house, and not just making my plans towards it, but making plans with my boyfriend and being able to complete them together. We have been trying to clean our house, but we kind of make our own plans on how to accomplish that, and rather than including each other we both expect the other person to only do what we ask. I know that I got mad at my boyfriend yesterday because I was trying to have his help to focus on one portion that needed to be done, but because I didn’t even bother to tell him anything else he made his own plans to do more, and in the end, I came home frustrated because what I wanted didn’t happen. I also didn’t appreciate the fact that instead of doing what I asked he got our entire front room cleaned up.