Back home. More snippets:
10 hours drive. Plus an errand I drove my mother to this morning - my parents were scammed a year or two ago by a couple of guys who prey on the elderly. State police have been trying to find and charge them (apparently this bunch is wanted across the country); a receipt was found from the transaction with my Mother, so she went in to give them her fingerprints (process of elimination thing, I think).
Janie was in a snit. I wanted to take Mom alone so I could talk to her privately about what the doctor told me yesterday and about the concerns she had about the medical application process. Before I could even turn off the car in the driveway Janie was trying to open the back door to get in. It wasn't worth the battle to get her out of the car.
It was the usual sniping and bad natured negative remarks not quite under her breath looking for a fight stuff. This can either escalate quickly or just simmer on for hours/days before turning into a blow up. So I ignored her. Which she finally figured out on the way back, and in one more attempt to piss me off said "well I guess you're all ignoring me."
To which I informed her that I didn't appreciate the interference, that right now it's supposed to be about Dad and what Mom needs, and she's making it all about HER... and that I'm not too happy about that.
I don't think it did any good. I am not sure she understands why I'm annoyed with her. I think she thinks I'm annoyed with her in order to spite her.
But ya know... there are times when I run out of patience and compassion. At some point in this whole fucking process I'm going to need to process my own damn feelings about it and Mom needs some help with HERS as well - and this constant meddling/needing to be in the center of things of Janie's is JUST NOT HELPING.
Don't get me wrong. I love her deeply. I understand that her limitations are what create this situation, and some of it can't be helped. That doesn't make it any easier. Or any less harmful.
=====
Phone conversation tonight, Mom speaking:
"I went over to see him after lunch today. He was asleep. I sat there for an hour or so before he woke up. Told him you went back home today - he seemed to get that. When I got ready to leave he asked 'where are you going?'"
"'Home', I told him.
"'Where is your home?' he asked me."
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At the convenience store before I left my parents' home town I backed into a parked car. Didn't realize just how distracted I'd been till then. The car owner was a young girl who was actually quite calm about it. "My Dad works for an insurance company," she told me, "you'd be surprised how many people just drive off."
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Still have the knot in my stomach from this morning. Maybe I can work it off at the gym in the morning... assuming the three cups of coffee I drank on the road don't keep me up all night.
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Mom is worried about the medical application process. She's resisted disclosing all that information for years. Today she severely regrets it and wonders "they'd probably cover him anyway. What if I just take him home and take care of him myself?"
Some how I have to persuade her that the first assumption is wrong, and the second one is impossible... that trying to do it on her own without assistance will be 1) dangerous for him, 2) exhausting and beyond her physical ability, and 3) guarantee her impoverishment and homelessness within months.
I just hope she doesn't do anything rash. I also worry about how much she understands about all this. I think that her distress about Dad is increasing the cognitive difficulty she is having with the insurance process.
==========
The doctor thinks this is long-term. That he might show some improvement, but not enough to make it at home, that this has been brewing for the last 10 years, and he has concerns about Mom living alone. "It would be ideal if they could find some place to be together." He then suggested the assisted living Palace in their town that they can't afford, and I can't either.
He also leads me to believe that this could very likely be the beginning of the end.
---------------
I can't process this and Janie at the same time.
==========
Much of Janie's recent chuntering has been suicidal and self-hating language. I really think she needs to go back to her apartment and see her psychiatrist. What is this going to be like when the inevitable happens?
------------
oh Jesus Fucking Christ - get us the hell through all this.
========
I'm emotionally exhausted.
10 hours drive. Plus an errand I drove my mother to this morning - my parents were scammed a year or two ago by a couple of guys who prey on the elderly. State police have been trying to find and charge them (apparently this bunch is wanted across the country); a receipt was found from the transaction with my Mother, so she went in to give them her fingerprints (process of elimination thing, I think).
Janie was in a snit. I wanted to take Mom alone so I could talk to her privately about what the doctor told me yesterday and about the concerns she had about the medical application process. Before I could even turn off the car in the driveway Janie was trying to open the back door to get in. It wasn't worth the battle to get her out of the car.
It was the usual sniping and bad natured negative remarks not quite under her breath looking for a fight stuff. This can either escalate quickly or just simmer on for hours/days before turning into a blow up. So I ignored her. Which she finally figured out on the way back, and in one more attempt to piss me off said "well I guess you're all ignoring me."
To which I informed her that I didn't appreciate the interference, that right now it's supposed to be about Dad and what Mom needs, and she's making it all about HER... and that I'm not too happy about that.
I don't think it did any good. I am not sure she understands why I'm annoyed with her. I think she thinks I'm annoyed with her in order to spite her.
But ya know... there are times when I run out of patience and compassion. At some point in this whole fucking process I'm going to need to process my own damn feelings about it and Mom needs some help with HERS as well - and this constant meddling/needing to be in the center of things of Janie's is JUST NOT HELPING.
Don't get me wrong. I love her deeply. I understand that her limitations are what create this situation, and some of it can't be helped. That doesn't make it any easier. Or any less harmful.
=====
Phone conversation tonight, Mom speaking:
"I went over to see him after lunch today. He was asleep. I sat there for an hour or so before he woke up. Told him you went back home today - he seemed to get that. When I got ready to leave he asked 'where are you going?'"
"'Home', I told him.
"'Where is your home?' he asked me."
---------
At the convenience store before I left my parents' home town I backed into a parked car. Didn't realize just how distracted I'd been till then. The car owner was a young girl who was actually quite calm about it. "My Dad works for an insurance company," she told me, "you'd be surprised how many people just drive off."
=======
Still have the knot in my stomach from this morning. Maybe I can work it off at the gym in the morning... assuming the three cups of coffee I drank on the road don't keep me up all night.
------------
Mom is worried about the medical application process. She's resisted disclosing all that information for years. Today she severely regrets it and wonders "they'd probably cover him anyway. What if I just take him home and take care of him myself?"
Some how I have to persuade her that the first assumption is wrong, and the second one is impossible... that trying to do it on her own without assistance will be 1) dangerous for him, 2) exhausting and beyond her physical ability, and 3) guarantee her impoverishment and homelessness within months.
I just hope she doesn't do anything rash. I also worry about how much she understands about all this. I think that her distress about Dad is increasing the cognitive difficulty she is having with the insurance process.
==========
The doctor thinks this is long-term. That he might show some improvement, but not enough to make it at home, that this has been brewing for the last 10 years, and he has concerns about Mom living alone. "It would be ideal if they could find some place to be together." He then suggested the assisted living Palace in their town that they can't afford, and I can't either.
He also leads me to believe that this could very likely be the beginning of the end.
---------------
I can't process this and Janie at the same time.
==========
Much of Janie's recent chuntering has been suicidal and self-hating language. I really think she needs to go back to her apartment and see her psychiatrist. What is this going to be like when the inevitable happens?
------------
oh Jesus Fucking Christ - get us the hell through all this.
========
I'm emotionally exhausted.
Replies
Enter a comment here
Okay your private inner mantra is going to be \"I am not responsible for the attitudes, dispositions, and beliefs of the others around me.\" So yes, you are wise to try to reason with your mom about taking your dad home. It\'s not easy being in her position; I\'m sure she has feelings of guilt and abandonment. But that still doesn\'t make taking him home the right choice. It\'s good if you can help support her in her time of emotional need. Do what you can to help her avoid a bad choice. If she succumbs, you just have to deal with the fall out as it happens.
I doesn\'t sound like you have to determine where both of them have to be immediately.Something that took 10 years in the making isn\'t going to get resolved in days. Get things squared away with you dad\'s situation first.
I\'m going to send you my bucket of patience because I frequently run out of the stuff myself.
Bucket of patience. that would be good!
Bucket of patience huh ... ok .. sending you blessings and buckets of patience .. Hugs ... India
Thanks Wendy and India! Thought maybe that the stress reaction would go away now that I\'m home... nope. I just don\'t know how I\'m going to cope with all this and with Janie too. I could do one or the other, but not both. Don\'t have much choice in the matter either. No time to process my own feelings or to help Mom with hers, not if I\'m also having to defuse Janie\'s tantrum and override my own emotional reaction to her manipulation and distress.
I can\'t do this. It\'s too fucking big.
Breathing... Breathing...
You CAN and will do this. You\'re a lot stronger than you want to give yourself credit for. The husband needs to be by your side as much as possible lending you emotional support. Break kit down into manageable pieces instead of trying to deal with all of it at the same time. I\'m here if you need to vent.
I\'m right there with tim on this--you\'ll do it and we\'re here for you