Back home. More snippets:
10 hours drive. Plus an errand I drove my mother to this morning - my parents were scammed a year or two ago by a couple of guys who prey on the elderly. State police have been trying to find and charge them (apparently this bunch is wanted across the country); a receipt was found from the transaction with my Mother, so she went in to give them her fingerprints (process of elimination thing, I think).
Janie was in a snit. I wanted to take Mom alone so I could talk to her privately about what the doctor told me yesterday and about the concerns she had about the medical application process. Before I could even turn off the car in the driveway Janie was trying to open the back door to get in. It wasn't worth the battle to get her out of the car.
It was the usual sniping and bad natured negative remarks not quite under her breath looking for a fight stuff. This can either escalate quickly or just simmer on for hours/days before turning into a blow up. So I ignored her. Which she finally figured out on the way back, and in one more attempt to piss me off said "well I guess you're all ignoring me."
To which I informed her that I didn't appreciate the interference, that right now it's supposed to be about Dad and what Mom needs, and she's making it all about HER... and that I'm not too happy about that.
I don't think it did any good. I am not sure she understands why I'm annoyed with her. I think she thinks I'm annoyed with her in order to spite her.
But ya know... there are times when I run out of patience and compassion. At some point in this whole fucking process I'm going to need to process my own damn feelings about it and Mom needs some help with HERS as well - and this constant meddling/needing to be in the center of things of Janie's is JUST NOT HELPING.
Don't get me wrong. I love her deeply. I understand that her limitations are what create this situation, and some of it can't be helped. That doesn't make it any easier. Or any less harmful.
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Phone conversation tonight, Mom speaking:
"I went over to see him after lunch today. He was asleep. I sat there for an hour or so before he woke up. Told him you went back home today - he seemed to get that. When I got ready to leave he asked 'where are you going?'"
"'Home', I told him.
"'Where is your home?' he asked me."
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At the convenience store before I left my parents' home town I backed into a parked car. Didn't realize just how distracted I'd been till then. The car owner was a young girl who was actually quite calm about it. "My Dad works for an insurance company," she told me, "you'd be surprised how many people just drive off."
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Still have the knot in my stomach from this morning. Maybe I can work it off at the gym in the morning... assuming the three cups of coffee I drank on the road don't keep me up all night.
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Mom is worried about the medical application process. She's resisted disclosing all that information for years. Today she severely regrets it and wonders "they'd probably cover him anyway. What if I just take him home and take care of him myself?"
Some how I have to persuade her that the first assumption is wrong, and the second one is impossible... that trying to do it on her own without assistance will be 1) dangerous for him, 2) exhausting and beyond her physical ability, and 3) guarantee her impoverishment and homelessness within months.
I just hope she doesn't do anything rash. I also worry about how much she understands about all this. I think that her distress about Dad is increasing the cognitive difficulty she is having with the insurance process.
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The doctor thinks this is long-term. That he might show some improvement, but not enough to make it at home, that this has been brewing for the last 10 years, and he has concerns about Mom living alone. "It would be ideal if they could find some place to be together." He then suggested the assisted living Palace in their town that they can't afford, and I can't either.
He also leads me to believe that this could very likely be the beginning of the end.
---------------
I can't process this and Janie at the same time.
==========
Much of Janie's recent chuntering has been suicidal and self-hating language. I really think she needs to go back to her apartment and see her psychiatrist. What is this going to be like when the inevitable happens?
------------
oh Jesus Fucking Christ - get us the hell through all this.
========
I'm emotionally exhausted.
10 hours drive. Plus an errand I drove my mother to this morning - my parents were scammed a year or two ago by a couple of guys who prey on the elderly. State police have been trying to find and charge them (apparently this bunch is wanted across the country); a receipt was found from the transaction with my Mother, so she went in to give them her fingerprints (process of elimination thing, I think).
Janie was in a snit. I wanted to take Mom alone so I could talk to her privately about what the doctor told me yesterday and about the concerns she had about the medical application process. Before I could even turn off the car in the driveway Janie was trying to open the back door to get in. It wasn't worth the battle to get her out of the car.
It was the usual sniping and bad natured negative remarks not quite under her breath looking for a fight stuff. This can either escalate quickly or just simmer on for hours/days before turning into a blow up. So I ignored her. Which she finally figured out on the way back, and in one more attempt to piss me off said "well I guess you're all ignoring me."
To which I informed her that I didn't appreciate the interference, that right now it's supposed to be about Dad and what Mom needs, and she's making it all about HER... and that I'm not too happy about that.
I don't think it did any good. I am not sure she understands why I'm annoyed with her. I think she thinks I'm annoyed with her in order to spite her.
But ya know... there are times when I run out of patience and compassion. At some point in this whole fucking process I'm going to need to process my own damn feelings about it and Mom needs some help with HERS as well - and this constant meddling/needing to be in the center of things of Janie's is JUST NOT HELPING.
Don't get me wrong. I love her deeply. I understand that her limitations are what create this situation, and some of it can't be helped. That doesn't make it any easier. Or any less harmful.
=====
Phone conversation tonight, Mom speaking:
"I went over to see him after lunch today. He was asleep. I sat there for an hour or so before he woke up. Told him you went back home today - he seemed to get that. When I got ready to leave he asked 'where are you going?'"
"'Home', I told him.
"'Where is your home?' he asked me."
---------
At the convenience store before I left my parents' home town I backed into a parked car. Didn't realize just how distracted I'd been till then. The car owner was a young girl who was actually quite calm about it. "My Dad works for an insurance company," she told me, "you'd be surprised how many people just drive off."
=======
Still have the knot in my stomach from this morning. Maybe I can work it off at the gym in the morning... assuming the three cups of coffee I drank on the road don't keep me up all night.
------------
Mom is worried about the medical application process. She's resisted disclosing all that information for years. Today she severely regrets it and wonders "they'd probably cover him anyway. What if I just take him home and take care of him myself?"
Some how I have to persuade her that the first assumption is wrong, and the second one is impossible... that trying to do it on her own without assistance will be 1) dangerous for him, 2) exhausting and beyond her physical ability, and 3) guarantee her impoverishment and homelessness within months.
I just hope she doesn't do anything rash. I also worry about how much she understands about all this. I think that her distress about Dad is increasing the cognitive difficulty she is having with the insurance process.
==========
The doctor thinks this is long-term. That he might show some improvement, but not enough to make it at home, that this has been brewing for the last 10 years, and he has concerns about Mom living alone. "It would be ideal if they could find some place to be together." He then suggested the assisted living Palace in their town that they can't afford, and I can't either.
He also leads me to believe that this could very likely be the beginning of the end.
---------------
I can't process this and Janie at the same time.
==========
Much of Janie's recent chuntering has been suicidal and self-hating language. I really think she needs to go back to her apartment and see her psychiatrist. What is this going to be like when the inevitable happens?
------------
oh Jesus Fucking Christ - get us the hell through all this.
========
I'm emotionally exhausted.
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