::breathing deeply:: 35 bothered me a lot.  It was halfway to 70, for some reason that gave me pause.  40 wasn't such a big deal, other than I was in the hospital with asthmatic bronchitis.  I was quite philosophical about it, and generally have loved my 40s. Not so long ago hubby turned 58. 58. He's had the flu, then had some kind of relapse, hasn't slept well, and when I sat on the couch by him the other night I took a good look at him.  He wasn't saying much, usually doesn't when the TV is on, just lying there breathing.  His face is lined, I've always loved those lines.  They add to the masculinity of his features.  That night, though, he seemed to sag a bit more than usual between the lines.  He looked old. When the fuck did that happen? There's some kind of wart just above one eye that appeared larger than I remembered.  I asked him about it. "I'm an old tomcat," he said. "Just don't take me to the vet." ---- Today, for some reason, it hit me.  You live with someone for 21 years, you both change.  You see the changes, you don't see the changes.  One night you take a good look and you realize there has been CHANGE. We have different attitudes toward health and diet, we have taken different paths.  Some of the aging I see I think is the result of muscle loss.  We are only nine years apart.  His libido has gone w-a-a-a-a-y down. Of course I love him, of course I treasure being here with him.  Some of my friends made light little comments about "you're growing old together."  It's sweet, but it entirely misses the point.  I mean, what does it MEAN, getting old?  What is this gradual decline all about?  What are the implications?  Old? sigh. Those aren't the right questions.  They don't quite illuminate what is distressing me here. Like sex, for instance.  His libido is fading away, he would prefer that I be monogamous but it's starting to turn into an unchosen celibacy.  What do we do with that?  Oh, I get it about not having any energy after work and then feeling like crap for so long with all the bugs we've had this winter... but...  ... my Dad turns 88 in four days.  Mom is 80.  Every time I talk to her "well, we're slowing down."  To which I usually ask, "how slow?  Nursing home slow?"  "No, not yet," she reassures me. They haven't had sex in years.  In a moment of TMI Dad confessed; he's had no erections since his mid-70s. For the first time I think I am seeing the early symptoms of that decline in my partner.  No, not dread disease or disability, I mean AGE.  I'm not that far behind him. Seven years to retirement age, unless they up it to 72.  The idiot retail chain for which he works has discontinued pension as a benefit.  He retains what they have paid to date, but they no longer contribute toward it.  what does that mean about what I will need to do to pick up the slack?  His 65 makes me 56, two years younger than he is now.  What is my 56 going to look like?  I'd like to think that it will be stronger than I am now... Will I have the energy for two jobs? I think I'm freaking out a bit over all the "what-ifs."  For some reason they all seemed to hit me over the head today.