An online friend of mine posted a link to this in his blog:http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2007/09/24/822It's titled "Family Impact Summit: A Lesbian Shows Peter Sprigg How To Debate"It's about how one calm woman confronted a panel of rabid anti-gay panelists at a weekend convention in Tampa spewing disinformation and paranoia about alleged harm to society when gay marriage is allowed.I don't have that kind of patience anymore.It's at the front of my mind tonight because on Saturday friends of ours are getting married at the Episcopal church where one of them is the choir director. Assuming I get over the nasal infection in time I'll be singing in the choir for the service. I chatted with him on the phone tonight.He asked me: what will be different?When George and I married three years ago I remember that to my surprise validation came from the most unexpected sources. Parents in my school community expressed congratulations (knowing that mine is a gay marriage). My colleagues included me in the shower at the end of the year for the 7 or 8 of us who were either getting married or pregnant (no, I wasn't! lol)I also remember thinking about my response at the time. "I don't need the validation, but it's nice to get it," was my first thought. Then it dawned on me, as I was feeling overwhelmed and grateful for the well-wishes and support expressed, "why should I feel so surprised when validation comes my way? Every hetero person I know EXPECTS it!"The woman who officiated our ceremony is a friend and also our lawyer. At the end of the service she said these words:"We see you.We hear you.We claim you.We stand with you.We stand behind you.And, most important, on this happiest of days, we celebrate your love for each other, and your marriage."I still get tears in my eyes when I try to read these aloud. We had already been together 18 years when she said those words. It was the first time in 18 years that words like those had been spoken to us. They were like rain in the desert.It was a great day - we kept it small, a dozen or so came for the service itself which we videotaped and replayed all afternoon. The rest of the day was open house/pot luck. About 70 people came and went at some point to wish us well - and a good thing not all at once, our small back yard crowds up pretty fast. Even so, of all the friends, co-workers and relatives that came by, only one representative of my whole extended family came.Granted there were travel issues involved and I understood about those, but there was of course the reaction of my disabled sister (who still gets angry if I bring it up). I understand that the nature of the spectrum is such that she can't be too flexible about what her religion teaches her. So every time she gets pissed off about my relationship I once again curse the fundamentalists who taught her so f***ing well. Or my father's sister who gasped as if I had slapped her in the face when I told her we were getting married. She declined my invitation. My parents are too fragile to travel 600 miles; I don't know if they would have come if it were physically possible. Mom's reaction was a bit like Fiddler on the Roof Tevye's in that I think she felt like she could accommodate so much but how much more? Eventually she came around, and found a very sweet way to give me her blessing (I've written about that before, perhaps sometime I'll post it here).So all of this bittersweetness is floating around in my snot-filled head tonight as I contemplate my friend's wedding this weekend and his very simple question: what will be different?His experience of faith, coming out and community mirrors mine in many regards but he's much less bitter than I am. He is at peace with his understanding of Christianity (I still foam at the mouth). He tells me how his congregation has treated them as married for so long he wonders what will change. He tells the story of nervous conservatives when he first arrived at that church who have sent them very warm congratulations, how he believes his non-confrontational attitude has won over many who might not have examined their homophobia before.Sigh.I admire his patience with conservatives - but I no longer have that patience. I noticed in my conversation with him this evening I sounded very angry several times... being sick doesn't help, but it's this low level of rage always beneath the surface.no great conclusion to all this rambling, just noticing what's in my head (besides snot) tonight