Just thinking about the post I left tonight in Gay Men's Challenges in the thread "finding acceptance in the GLBT."it's about where "home" is and how do you create that?a few journal entries ago I was mourning what fundamentalists stole from me - what was stolen? My innocence? God? Truth?No - I was robbed of a community, a family. Since I left the church I think I have a better way of coping with what can't be known than the pat (and highly infuriating) answers handed me... at the same time, however, I lost a community in which I felt centered. In which I felt I belonged in my totality.That is no longer the case, I don't have that sense of belonging anywhere. Lots of places I feel somewhat comfortable and like to be, but home? Don't get me wrong - this is not a desire to go back to Christianity - I do not wish to return to the church, EVER! I deserve better than that! (Lordy - eons ago when I attended the baptism of a friend's newborn the child's grandmother noticed I did not go forward for the communion. "Didn't you feel worthy?" she asked. It was all I could do not to shout at her that the f***ing church was not worthy of ME and ought to be begging MY forgiveness. That baby is now in his mid-20s, and the memory STILL gets me worked up into a lather.)Yet... I have yet to find the community in which I can speak in one voice with all my voices. I haven't figured out how to integrate all the sub-cultures to which I belong to create what feels like "home."Home is where the heart is? eh - it seems trickier than that. Home is where all my homes can be gathered in the same place, maybe.So how the heck do I do that? I keep thinking of that scene at the end of Torch Song Trilogy where Harvey Fierstein's character gathers up artifacts of all the people he loves and hugs them. Is THAT what this is?
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That is a tough question. It used to be said that society was a fabric, we were all woven together. Today, society is a web, we are tenuously attached to each other through long-distance threads. Some say the virtual worlds like \"Second Life\" or even what is here at DS can be that community. Although these virtual communities can be good things, they lack the immediacy of a face-to-face relationship. There is a certain anonymity that computers afford and this also offers, at its best, a chance to meet the authentic person, and at its worse, the chance to meet the person\'s ideal.
But real-life community, that is a tough one.
thoughts...rambling...
I have a home with my family--my partner and kids...
And a somewhat differnt feeling one with my family of origin, and extended family...
And a different home with my BBF from HS, and her kids...
And yet a different home with another dearly beloved friend...
And yet a different home with yet another dearly beloved friend...
But I am also, like you, missing something I think. The college church I went to felt a bit like home b/c i was integrated into the social ministry committee (I didnt even know I was bi then...yet our committee got the \"welcoming\" statement chged to explicitly welcome people regardless of sexual orientation, yay!), and my friends went there...and I went regularly...
I dont feel like I want to be too integrated into our current church. And I\'ve gone to a few GLBT things, but am not well-integrated there either (my bestest friends arent at those things, so...it\'s harder for me to integrate into a community and feel a part of it unless I have some very good friends/connections there...)....I think what I\'m looking for as a \"home\" is a community that has people in it that I can feel fairly deeply about and also that has a mission and a purpose that I can join in on and feel committed to. My nuclear family provides that to some extent, b/c we work together to create a home, committed to the cause of \"raising the kids\" as good as we can...and to creating a great enviroment to live (with varying degrees of success)--but I would find it wonderful to become part of a larger \"home\" coheasive community than just my nuclear family...
Maybe I need to try again to join more groups until something finally clicks. I get discouraged tho, b/c often (lately, not so when i was younger), i try to join a group but then dont feel too committed to it and so then I dont get very involved and either drop out or stay as a stagnant member...
thanks! it\'s encouraging to know I\'m not the only one...