Sad

Feeling low. I realized today while at work that I haven't gotten a hair cut in three months. I felt awful and looked awful. I was wearing a huge, dumpy black sweater. Don't I care for myself? Why should I care for myself? Do others? I don't know how to deal with my low self-esteem. Someone said something today that triggered something for me. I remembered what an older cousin had told me when I was little, that I was conceived because my brother, who is 2 yrs. older than me was an accident and my parents decided to give the "accident" a playmate ---me. I am the youngest of 4 children. My oldest brother and sister are much older than my brother and me. Then my brother, who is 2 yrs.older than me, had learning difficulities growing up... he was a little slow. So at the age of 8, I was told by my parents that I needed to tutor him and help him. I've spent my whole life helping him. So I felt sad for myself and my inner child today......and angry... because I realized that as a child I probably believed that the only reason I was put on this earth was to serve and take care of other people's needs. My life had no value...I guess I never realized how low my self esteem was and that makes me sad.