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Thanksgiving is on us again...Holiday's uggs...not the boots..the Holidays.
I used to love holiday's..then again I used to love a lot of things..;
I try to tell myself or convince my self I am going to change, than I
am going to be the old me...Whoever she was....I do not't know the old me
anymore...
I can even look in the mirror and it does not look like me...who I wonder am I..
I am not who I was before Ken left us...I have a big piece of my heart that will never be repaired...I lost that part of me..
I know I have pushed my friends away...I used to love friends..now I don't care one way or another...I said I was not going to do it but when it came back to trying to be me with my friends again, I am not the old me.
Oh, how do you ever even begin to find the old me...I have no idea..I really really don't want to feel this way...it's just that now I don't know how to feel any different...
Thursday we will spend with my family...yet a part the big part of me will feel lost another year...lost that I can't talk to Ken.
Why do I continue to play this game with myself...that I tell myself that I am going to be different...that I am going back to the old me....
I feel I can do it..then the moment comes when I know I can't...I don't even know the old me anymore...so how can I be the old me...
I want to talk about Ken...how much I miss him...how much that he is on my mind...I know that is know what my friend was to hear ....my family they too do not talk about Ken...I don't really know what is best...to talk about Ken or not...
When my husband and I did it seems I am more sad..I think I am getting better and then I don't feel any better..I just feel my missing my son...
I don't know how to ever be the old me...I don't think my old friends like the me I am now...I don't know it don't seem like they do...yet I no longer know how to reach out to any of them anymore...They don't know..it seems they don't care...I think they care...it's just for them Life has gone on...
I think I am still stuck ...I became whoever I am the night Ken died..I am the mother who had four living boys...who I shared my life with...Now I am the mother who has three living boys...it is not the same and no matter what I do it will not change...no matter how much I try...
I will never be the old me.  I know I am who I am now...I think my friends will one day all be different people, or maybe I won't have any at all even though I do love to have friends...They sometimes say I act irritable..I don't feel that way..but something must be showing...some say I have withdrawn..I do believe I have done that cause none of them have ever lost  a child...
It's sad that one time we were all close...my son died...I know I changed...Yet I know they didn't want me to change...so who really pulled away...me or them...who wants me to be the old me...me or them....When I think about it I think it is them that has pulled away...who are irritable because I am different...
Maybe one day I will know..maybe one day 
Right now I am me...who I became when Ken died...I don't want this to be the club I am in..but I am...I wish they understood...but I am who I became when Ken died.