Sadness

Sadness has overcome me again..I do not know why that I am back feeling like I am at the beginning again...I felt I had made a big step..when at the 18 month of Ken being gone..we did the balloon launch..we celebrated his birthday..and it seemed instead of this year it helping, it seemed it just made me return to the sadness I was when Ken first passed away...I hate more than anything to know I can't go see him...It is the impossible thought for a mother to feel...I think we go through times that it seems we are better..than something..happens and I am not even sure we know what that something is...but it throws us backwards..
I know I miss talking to Ken so much...I want to cry but feel I have to hold it all in..I was so looking forward to seeing his son play football this Friday..I had yet figured out what to do with mom..but bless his heart he got a concussion and has a sinus infection so he will be off the week....
I just wish Ken's wife would talk to me...maybe that would make it easier I don't know...at least though now his son is text me...an answered prayer...
I know one thing that is hurting me so much is how proud Ken was of his son..Each time we would go visit Ken would always start by saying "Look how tall Woody is getting"..I won't hear those words from Ken again...now I am crying I am finally alone in the living room typing this and the tears are flowing..Maybe I need this cry...
I have such a hard time understanding why Ken or any of our children had to go...People always want to say but he is happy..he is in a better place...which I want to believe that but if we totally believed that we would never fear death...
I would have never wanted to see him continue in the pain he was in...or for it to have gotten worse...but it just sure does hurt and it don't seem there is a thing to do about the pain but just let it be there...
I got a comment about feeling down and that they had looked back at some of my journals and seemed I was or had taken some steps forward...I too felt I had...then out of no where comes the pain again...I don't he the answers..I don't know why sometimes it feels we can get through it..then it suddenly is back to the beginning and feeling we are crawling out again...
Someday maybe it will be where it is not so sad...they say the 2 year is sometimes harder ...well Dec 30 will be the end of the 2nd year...maybe it just takes that time...I don't know..
I hope this does not sound bad but moving mom in with me seems to make it harder on me...maybe just some of her actions takes me back to when Ken couldn't talk..not that she can't talk..it's just different..she is not the mom I used to have or know and that is hard...
Sometimes I think if there was just a pill we could take that would let us only remember the good...the happy...the life would always be good...but guess that is not what life is about....
I wish I could say I was still doing good..going forward...yet I feel I have fell so far behind again...I wish I knew what would be best for my mom...would she be better in a home with others her age...can we take this and maintain it..feeling like I should..Her memory is so bad...I yet to figure out how that the state of Ky says she can't be in the nursing home...She was happy there...I know that is where she would loved to be but we don't know how to get her back there...We are going to try to talk to someone today (that is my sister) and see what we could or can do. I really have no answers for that either...I guess I just have no answers...
Maybe this is just living...