I had one of those moments today that sort of snapped me back into harsh reality, just when I was thinking I had nearly outrun it. A little thing, but one of those moments, just the same. I was checking out at a store and the cashier commented that she liked the necklace I was wearing. I said thanks and mentioned that I'd gotten it for Christmas. Then she said, "did your husband get it for you?". I know, little thing.....normal question, but suddenly I was in a completely different world from the cashier I had just been enjoying small talk with. In that moment, I was acutely aware that I was different and then I had that momentary discussion in my head about whether to mention my husband had died---no, that makes me sound too sad---would make her uncomfortable--would sound like a Debbie Downer trying to get some sympathy----so instead I did the default response: I smiled a fake smile and said, "no, I got it from my sister". All the while I'm thinking, "no, it's not from my husband---I don't get to share Christmas with him anymore---you are in your world where you wake up Christmas morning with your husband and decide if you should cuddle a little more or get up and open presents and I'm in my world where Jeff's stocking is a cruel reminder lurking in the box of Christmas decorations and where people ask simple questions that can reduce me to tears out of the blue". Ugggh....just when I think things are getting easier, I get a reminder that the wound is just below the surface and can be reopened with a simple comment in a casual conversation. And I had to stop myself from getting inappropriately angry at the cashier---you know, assuming she doesn't even appreciate how good she's got it---how unfair is that attitude on my part? But then, fair doesn't seem to apply here. I'm glad I smiled and walked on....glad I waited until I got to the car to let that first tear fall....and glad there is a place where I can admit what I really felt with people who "get it" . In many ways I guess "our world" will always be different from "theirs", but at least we are among good company here at DS. And tomorrow I think I'll wear a piece of jewelry Jeff gave me and then if someone asks if my husband gave it to me, I can honestly smile and say, yeah, great taste, huh?---I'm definitely lucky to have found him.