Well I hit 227 tonight....whoopie.....I don't know I just wasn't as happy about it as I probably should be...I mean it's nice to get further down from the 230 mark of death that I've been hovering over in recent weeks but it doesn't seem that important and I'm not sure why....I think it's cuz in my heart I'm thinking it just doesn't really matter that much...I mean it won't change anything really, although I'll continue on this path for as long as possible I fear that in the end I'll lose the weight and probably be like....yeah.....so what?  But I'll deal with that if/when I get there and not right now.  I got a really really long way to go....!

But! The roads that we drive on today were paved years ago by others...I salute their sweat! And I salute the sweat of all humans that have brought our species up to the present time....the buildings, the accomplishments, the evils that were suffered and cured by past generations, that are now taken for granted by those in our time....I don't forget their sacrifice, nor do I think others should either!!...those in bliss today ARE that way, in some great part BECAUSE of those that came before us....hell are very existence is because of those people....their love....maybe their dreams.....their sufferings......no.......whatever they endured to bring me to this day I salute thee!!.....of course my day has been pretty sucky really but that's besides the point.....and yeah I fucked up a good deal of stuff that's for sure.....but hey what else is new?....oh yeah gotta get the stuff out of the freeezer....which was also a pretty cool invention now wasn't it??

I think I missed my "calling" along the way....whatever that means!.....I'm way off track in life n stuff....struggling with self-made issues and their consequences as well as unforseen stuff that I couldn't control I don't think.  I'm so lost.  My best shot seems to be to keep breathing and moving ahead...so far behind technologically especially,.... I am really lost there..... and I don't have any help with it.  I don't think survival should be honored but I do find those that make the journey to the end a special breed...fighters....mostly on an emotional level.....to accept the losses, the rejection, the pain and still push on to the end I think is admirable in spite of the difficulty of executing any other options, some do, and I understand them but I don't choose that path personally--at least not at this time---too many other risks to take and fears to overcome....excess pride and ego can do more harm than what losing circumstances, in reality, can creat....

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone song:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=DKTqCYNbNyM&feature=related