MONDAY

This weekend I have allowed myself to eat, drink and enjoy life. Friday we went out for dinner and I had a beer and a lovely meal. Unfortunately I learned that I am slightly alergic to both beer and wine...I get sharp pains in my jaw after a few sips. Oh well that means I can only drink hard alcohol.Saturday DH and I went to the movies and we saw Dark Knight which was definitely better than I expected. After the movie we headed to my friend Gerry's house for his birthday. everything was going well...I held a 4 month old, and told another couple how happy I was about them getting ready to give birth to their child in September. It then hit me in the bathroom that I would have been holding our 1 month year and sharing in this joyous occassion. Luckily DH does not give on me. We were schedul to go to another party after Gerry's and I was not up to it, but he made me go. It was alot of fun...I drank so much (partially to avoid my self loathing and partially because I had nothing to loose). THe conversations were funny and I tried many new drinks with out the pain in my jaw. Today I just have a glorious hangover and a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. The clinic told me on Friday to call Monday and make an appointment with my doctor. I am on day 2 of my cycle and I am afraid that the doctor is going to do things to late. We agreed to begin another treatment but I am afraid that my appointment might be after day 4. I have reconcile myself to things never going as plan and just let it happen. Tomorrow I will call at 8am, then go for a lovely walk taking books back to the library. After I get home, I will get my list together for groceries and then shop. I should be back around 11am to make lunch and I will clean the rest of the day.I have to promise to myself not to let things bother me so much...to cry when DH is not around so I can get the sorrow out and begin to heal. My Goal is to loose 10 pounds by Septmeber and if we are not pregnant by then, then loose another 15 pound by November. I am not going to let IF rule my life. It is time to fight back and get my life back in order!