Thursday, February 28, 2008

It just keeps getting worse than better. My cousin, who has been estranged from us until my brother passed away has been doing double duty to impress my parents...just what...his wife is pregnant. So I had a cry, feeling like God gives to everyone and taketh away from us...I have been thinking alot about my ex-sister-in-law, and today I listened to my parents messages (they are away and asked me to check on them), and heard her message that she delivered a baby girl. I was a little stunned (I knew she was pregnant), and all I could think of was betrayl...which is not fair to think. My brother died and she remarried...yes a year latter and now a year and a half later she gives birth to another mans child...while she lost Duane's. Now I feel calous and she does not deserve that. I just want my brother back, and now that she has moved on I feel like I have truely lost every part of him. When we found out that we were pregnant, I thought that we could get a bit of him back, now I realize believing that meant that I would be putting high expectations on a child. I would give anything to have Duane back...even if it meant never having children. Now I know that I might never had kids and I have lost a brother. Thats not a fair deal.SO I sit here at my parents home wanting to let all the crying out before I go home. I need to compose myself before seeing my DH and letting him know that Brigit and Rob had a girl. I do not want him to see me cry because then he is going to feel bad and want to make it better. I don't want him to think that I am basket case everytime I hear of someone else getting preggers or giving birth. I now believe that everytime I think that things are going to look brighter, some will come along and remind me of all that I have lost in the last two years. It is like a cosmic joke that I should feel miserable and not take stock on being happy. And if I do begin to feel happy I can be garenteed that it wounldn't last long so why waste a good smile.Tomorrow I will be hanging out with two good friends who I can get drunk with...now that is something to look forward to.