Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Feeling a little blue today...I do not think that there is a moment that goes by when I do not think of my brother. His widow (do I call her that though she re-married) should be getting ready to give birth soon to her first child who will not be related to me. Then I start to cry because of the loss of our own child. Life is just not as fun as it used to be. I can not seem to look forward to anything any more. Life just seems boring some how and that I am just going through the actions without real emotions. I was told the other day that my beta number is 3. It has been three months to get it down, so perhaps it is the lack of hormones that is making me feel this way.So I think of Duane, and all those happy memories. I feel guilty that I never really spent alot of quality time with him in the few years before his death (but then again we both got married a year apart then he died). I do not have neices or nephews to share memories with, and my child is gone...so my family is getting smaller....On the bright side I do not have to buy a lot of christmas gifts. I am afraid to plan ahead or look forward to things because those I love may not be there to enjoy it with me. I am not really sadden just blue.