Exams finally marked and report cards are verified...I am so glad that I have had a couple of days off to relax. I have been doing a more thorough cleaning for these two days. The house still smells of vinager, but that is ok, because it looks fantastic...well two levels look great. I have been going for walks for the last few days and now I think that AF has finally arrived...yippy...next i will be on the pill for a month then clomid and then an IUI. Part of me still wishes that the Beta at 20mil had increased and that we do not have to go through the procedure again...but I really want to give birth to a healthy child before the year is over. I know that it is selfish, because kids will come when the Good lord lets it. We really need good news in our lives. I keep thinking about my former SIL and that she will be giving birth to her child in a month. I think about how my brother would have been a good father, but now that is not going to happen. Duane is gone and she moved on (rather quickly). For the sake of my sanity I really do not want to talk to her. I can see in my mothers eyes that she is happy for her, but wishes duane was alive and that this child was his. I have no idea how my mother copes. She seems lost...I just want to tell her to let brigit go and move on with her life...no contact...I think we are trying to hold on to Duane by keeping contact with her and that is not fair...He is gone, we can nto bring him back and brig has moved on. She is so happy with her new marriage and baby on the way, I feel like we are the constant reminder of a sadness that she just wants to get away from.I guess my miscarriage has freed her from trying to balance our family with hers and her new inlaws. She felt bad about it and did not want to call until I initiated contact...and right now I can not really speak with her, because I do not want to hear about her pregnancy. So I have lost a neice/newphew, a brother, a child and now a SIL and I am sick of feeling pathetic and unworthy or happiness. i was very direct with a friend last night. i think that I shocked him with my directness. He had mention that since his son was born he hadn't bought any new clothes for himself. Since Dan and I were going shopping to find him a suit I invited this friend, however he had plans to visit the library with his son and wife...then he made the comment, why don't I go to the library with them...I said no and he kept pushing until I said , I really do not want to go to a reading circle for children and watch all the happy parents with their kids...knowing that mine child is gone and would have probably enjoyed something like that. Hopefully he got the message because this is the same couple who keep telling me about mutual aquantiances who keep having kids.So I think that I will be heading off for a walk to clear my mind and get some exerise.