The secretary at my doctors office is so sweet. As soon as the tests were in she called me and told me that the beta numbers are going down and it looks like the pregnancy is not happending. yes another M/C in just over two months...is that a record? I am so conflicted...I really did want to be pregnant, but then it is too soon after we lost our little bundle. I am so scared that we will not have children...that I am convincing myself not to try again. I am so afraid. Part of me feels that my body can not handle it. I am over wieght, definitly PCOs, I seem to have a shorter attention span when it comes to children lately, and I can not seem to wrap my mind around the whole pregnancy thing. I listen to a friend today discuss her new disciplinary techniques she is using with her 3 year old, and I kept thinking will I have the motivation to do this...do I have what it takes to be a mother? Perhaps God's gift for us is not to have children because we would not be the best parents...then I think about the parents who abuse their children and I know we would not be one of those...then why did God let them have children. what have I done wrong that this is happening to us? I guess I am overly emotional today because AF should be happening soon.  It is amasing that when I was pregnant and in the last few days thinking we were pregnant, that my first thoughts were about finances...and now that we are not pregnant it does not bother me. I do not think that we can afford IVF and I think I could go through 2 more IUI's but after that I could not try any more. In two years I think I am going to give up completely...I will be closer to 40 and it would not be fair to a child to have older parents who may or may not be able to keep up with them.So I think I have vented enough for one night.