Christmas is suppose to be a happy day...and it did begin that way. DH and I opened our gifts, had a light breakfast then off to my parents. As waited in the living room at my parents place, I noticed a couple of christmas letters sent by family and friends...so I read one from my brothers fromer inlaws. They wrote about how his wife injured a tradegy (my brother dieing), but then found love (yeh they did not mention that she met him three months after my brothers death and she married him one year and one month after his death)...but most of all they are estactic at the fact she is expecting and will be giving birth in just two more months...everything was sooo happy that all I wanted to do is ripe up the note and smash things...but being in my parents house I could not do that. So everyone seems to get what they want...and all we get is heartache...my brother is gone, my mother has cancer and my baby is gone. We went to the cementary and my mother made the comment that my brother is in heaven with her two grandchildren...I could not help but let a tear escape. I am trying to stay strong for them, but right now on the happiest if happiest day I just want to scream and cry.So I smile when someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, I laugh at jokes when appropriate and I can even make small talk...but ask me if I am truly happy...and well I lie...of course I am. If this is suppose to be a test of faith, i am afraid I am probably failing. Why couldn't we have one thing that is happy news for our family...I thought that the baby was it...then I M/C without warning. Maybe Dh and I are suppose to be the couple without kids...if so then maybe we do not have to be considerate with those who have kids...like making sure that when friends children come over that we have videos and games to play with...maye we do nto hae to invite their children along...maybe we travel and see the world and not worry about baby sitting...I can say no when a friend asks me to baby sit...perhaps I should plan a long vacation to Europe or something...DH has always wanted to go to Antarctica so maybe we can go next winter.I hope that everyone out there is having a good Christmas and that somewhere in the world peace has happened.