I feel a little numb today. It would have been three years for my brother and his wife adn now it is only 1 year and two months since his death. I keep thinking, what is the point of life...what did we do wrong? Since his death there has been very little happiness in our family. We keep smiling and trying to go on with our lives, but truly we are doing it for either my mother, father, grandmothers or me.  What else can sadden us further...well lets see, my mother has breast cancer. It is a reoccurance after 13 years. Dan and I have been trying for two years to get preggers adn I am afraid that we never will have children. So here I sit thinking that life is just empty...maybe we are a result of the big bang and after we go there is nothing. Is there a point in wanting children only to have the earth degraded.So I went to mass today with my dad to honour Duane and remember him on one of his most cherish days, his wedding day. I prayed tonight for miracles...well only two really for our family. To cure my mother and to have children. Maybe these are not the miracles that i am suppose to have. seeing a perfect sun set or watching a flower grow is the miracle that I can experience. But there is always hope that I can get the two that I really want. Today a friend of mind kept saying, wait until you have kids, then you will know the real joys of life. Sometimes I wonder why I ever talk to her. perhaps I have bought into the media social pressure that once you get married you have kids and that your parents are around forever and your siblings are just a phone call away. In reality, kids are hard to come by, you can loose a parent at any time and become an only child in a matter of minutes.I wish I knew that every thing was going to be alright. That next year I will be holding my little perfect children (yes I want twins or maybe tripplets), and that my mother will be cured and both of parents will be around for a long time. what a lovely thought that would be.