I really do not know how to feel. Tomorrow will be one year since my brother's death. My mother is taking it hard. All I want to do is hide. I do not want to see people or have to act like I am keeping it together. Then will come the endless questions about why Dan and I have not had a child yet. How we really should provide grandchildren. They do not understand that I have to grieve and that we having been trying for two year now. I feel like this is a double whammy. I need to mourn...and I can not do it around other people. I really should go to work instead just to keep myself sane. Duane would know what to do in this situation...well if he was still alive then this situation would not be happening. Sometimes I think that I am in a bad dream and he will call and say hi. I do miss him alot. I know that we can't concieve because I need to grieve...but I feel like I can not grieve properly with the pressure to concieve. I guess people mean well and want us to have something that will make us happy. They do not know the full story of why we do nto have children. But at the same time they need to be sensitive that we are grieving and hopefully noticed that we are having problems conceiving. I have stopped asking God about helping me conceive. I pray more for coping than wanting a child. I can't grieve for both my brother and the loss of never having children (I guess I can not mourn something that I never have had). I need to focus on me for once...If I want to cry then cry...