DEAR DAD...MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER
Why? Didn't you know that your actions would affect the rest of my life? The answer is yes. I remember you telling me you were training me for my future husband. Your weren't f'kn kidding, were you? After all the pain you caused me in my childhood, i still haven't the skills to protect myself and my children. Were you ensuring the pedofile species by inflicting your sick actions on me as a little child? Did you think that would insure your "legacy" your control and your manipulation onto me and my children. I am an adult today, but when it comes to relationships i am still that little girl being abused by you and being told by you, that i will never be without you. That you would always be there watching, waiting and that no man would ever be good enough for me except you. You made me promise that I would always take you back no matter what you did to me and no matter who i was with. You made me promise to always "let you" not matter what. I still have nightmares, I still wake-up scared and I still don't have the skill to take care of me.
The basic skills to know the difference between love and abuse, the difference between security and abandonment, the difference between natural instinct and inability to respond to trauma.
So many wonderful skills were learned, however, like getting what i want when it comes to education and work. You were such a strong proponant of education, being an educated man yourself gave me a chance to excel in my life. I learned to cover up my feelings, protect the undeserving, put on a smile on on demand and deny deny deny.
I have started my life over again, and i refuse to live the next 50 years under your curse. I denounce the curse of learned helplessness and lifetime fear. I will make it out of that pit of dispare you dug for me and i will triumph over your evil plan to destroy me.
2nd born..1st to leave
Y
Why? Didn't you know that your actions would affect the rest of my life? The answer is yes. I remember you telling me you were training me for my future husband. Your weren't f'kn kidding, were you? After all the pain you caused me in my childhood, i still haven't the skills to protect myself and my children. Were you ensuring the pedofile species by inflicting your sick actions on me as a little child? Did you think that would insure your "legacy" your control and your manipulation onto me and my children. I am an adult today, but when it comes to relationships i am still that little girl being abused by you and being told by you, that i will never be without you. That you would always be there watching, waiting and that no man would ever be good enough for me except you. You made me promise that I would always take you back no matter what you did to me and no matter who i was with. You made me promise to always "let you" not matter what. I still have nightmares, I still wake-up scared and I still don't have the skill to take care of me.
The basic skills to know the difference between love and abuse, the difference between security and abandonment, the difference between natural instinct and inability to respond to trauma.
So many wonderful skills were learned, however, like getting what i want when it comes to education and work. You were such a strong proponant of education, being an educated man yourself gave me a chance to excel in my life. I learned to cover up my feelings, protect the undeserving, put on a smile on on demand and deny deny deny.
I have started my life over again, and i refuse to live the next 50 years under your curse. I denounce the curse of learned helplessness and lifetime fear. I will make it out of that pit of dispare you dug for me and i will triumph over your evil plan to destroy me.
2nd born..1st to leave
Y
Replies
I feel for ya sweetie seriously when I read your writting I see alot of me in you same things we went through and the pain and us not being able to know always the difference between things sad as it is there are people out there trained to help us through it I have the most awesome therapist love her dearly,I think you need to talk so I am here for you my friend,Hugs ya tight to let you know someone cares and is there for you,Kim