LETTER TO ROBERT, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
Dear Robert,
There are so many things that I want to say to you, first I want to say that I love you. You were the love of my life, you were the first "man" i ever had a relationship with. When I got married the first time, I was a child (16) and I did not know what love was. Today, I am 44 years old and I spent 10 years of my life living and breathing for you and only you. So it pains me when I remember all the times you hit me and abandoned me. We both know that me walking away had to happen we both know the danger we put each other in when you get violent with me.
Today, in my life, I have days that i miss you so much that I am willing to throw it all way, for a minute of your love. But I know it would be toxic and i know it would scar me all over again. I know that you must be asking yourself all the why questions but i also know that you were tired too. Tired of hurting each other and tired of having so much pain in our lives. I want you to know that so many times i have dialed you number, but not hit the talk button, i have dreamed about you and prayed for you. I have had sleepless nights cyring and wondering and wishing that we could have healed our relationship. That last day, when you came to my place, there was a second in time that we might have taken one more chance, but we both new that very minute that this is the best choice for you and me. That moment you held me we both knew, it had to end, or one of us would end. You said "I love you chulita" and I said "I love you too baby".
Then when I start thinking rationally, I know that your abusive nature will not change and that if i were to remain with you the violence would only increase. I can sleep knowing that you are not walking into my place threatening me, hitting me and calling me names. I don't have to deal with the drunk in you , i don't have to make excuses anymore, i don't have to be afraid that you are coming home to do God knows what to me. I don't have to cover-up the bruises and make up stories at work about my injuries. I no longer have to think three times faster than you, to protect myself. Packing everytime you went out and going to my apartment in the middle of the night no longer happens. Now, I just go home. I still look around to see if you are there, afraid that you might me.
I go to the bookstore and to see my family, i spend time with Chico and with my new found friends. I stay busy "and i know you would be proud of me". Then i realize that you really did't care, you just wanted to be in control of my life. I look back and see that i was only a replacement punching bag and that soon someone will replace me.
I used to think, no deserves to threat me like shit, except Robert. I cant' believe I thought than ANYONE deserved to mistreat me.
I am getting stronger and smarter, I stay away from your side of town, except one time, i drove by on a Sunday afternoon. That used to be our day to eat, spent time together, clean the house and go to the flea market. I know you remember that too. When i saw the doors wide open and the curtains up, it gave me the most freightful feeling. I felt like i was going to be in trouble and the you were gonna "get me". That is not love that is fear. I don't have to feel that anymore, I have started my life over again.
Once in a while I will write you a letter to tell you how I am doing. Of course I will never mail it to you, because i now you would not understand. But, i will write it anyway.
Sincerely
C
Dear Robert,
There are so many things that I want to say to you, first I want to say that I love you. You were the love of my life, you were the first "man" i ever had a relationship with. When I got married the first time, I was a child (16) and I did not know what love was. Today, I am 44 years old and I spent 10 years of my life living and breathing for you and only you. So it pains me when I remember all the times you hit me and abandoned me. We both know that me walking away had to happen we both know the danger we put each other in when you get violent with me.
Today, in my life, I have days that i miss you so much that I am willing to throw it all way, for a minute of your love. But I know it would be toxic and i know it would scar me all over again. I know that you must be asking yourself all the why questions but i also know that you were tired too. Tired of hurting each other and tired of having so much pain in our lives. I want you to know that so many times i have dialed you number, but not hit the talk button, i have dreamed about you and prayed for you. I have had sleepless nights cyring and wondering and wishing that we could have healed our relationship. That last day, when you came to my place, there was a second in time that we might have taken one more chance, but we both new that very minute that this is the best choice for you and me. That moment you held me we both knew, it had to end, or one of us would end. You said "I love you chulita" and I said "I love you too baby".
Then when I start thinking rationally, I know that your abusive nature will not change and that if i were to remain with you the violence would only increase. I can sleep knowing that you are not walking into my place threatening me, hitting me and calling me names. I don't have to deal with the drunk in you , i don't have to make excuses anymore, i don't have to be afraid that you are coming home to do God knows what to me. I don't have to cover-up the bruises and make up stories at work about my injuries. I no longer have to think three times faster than you, to protect myself. Packing everytime you went out and going to my apartment in the middle of the night no longer happens. Now, I just go home. I still look around to see if you are there, afraid that you might me.
I go to the bookstore and to see my family, i spend time with Chico and with my new found friends. I stay busy "and i know you would be proud of me". Then i realize that you really did't care, you just wanted to be in control of my life. I look back and see that i was only a replacement punching bag and that soon someone will replace me.
I used to think, no deserves to threat me like shit, except Robert. I cant' believe I thought than ANYONE deserved to mistreat me.
I am getting stronger and smarter, I stay away from your side of town, except one time, i drove by on a Sunday afternoon. That used to be our day to eat, spent time together, clean the house and go to the flea market. I know you remember that too. When i saw the doors wide open and the curtains up, it gave me the most freightful feeling. I felt like i was going to be in trouble and the you were gonna "get me". That is not love that is fear. I don't have to feel that anymore, I have started my life over again.
Once in a while I will write you a letter to tell you how I am doing. Of course I will never mail it to you, because i now you would not understand. But, i will write it anyway.
Sincerely
C
Replies
send it to him and close the book!