Happy New Year!!!
It is the dawn of a new year; a time for reflection and a time for looking to the future and for many, making resolutions. I am good at the resolution part .
A couple of evenings before the new year, I sat in front of the fire listening to gentle music, sipping wine and reflecting on the past year. Wondering what I had achieved and whether I had made a difference. I really don’t know if I made a difference but I had to admit that Adriana and I had done a heck of a job planning the Neighbourfest we hosted in September.
That is the outward stuff. What about the inward. I have made a concerted effort this past year to “let it go”. Let go of the anger and hurt. Understand that people do not go out intentionally to hurt us or our loved ones. I am specifically thinking of the doctors who did not know how to treat Lisa’s complications and it resulted in her death. Or Harvey’s insensitivity; Have I forgotten? Not on your life. But I have forgiven, understanding that we are all human. I only hope the doctors learned a lesson and other patients won’t have to endure what Lisa did.
So I enter 2015 with more understanding and peace and without the feelings of anger and resentment. It is a good feeling.
About the new year. As I said, I gave up resolutions. I have come to the realization that I will never get slim, I sure won’t get any younger or smarter. At 69 I am on the downhill slope! What has worked for me over the years is spontaneity. My career has often being at the right place at the right time and taking chances. I think being open has afforded me an amazing life. Yes, we have faced tragedies and I will never be okay with losing Lisa but if I really look back, I have been blessed. There have been times in my life when I felt like the luckiest person alive.
So for the coming year, I will continue to do what I do, take opportunities that present themselves and live in the NOW! That sounds easy but for me, it is a constant struggle. I am a worrier who learned from the best – my mother. I worry about the past, and I worry about the future, and I worry about others, all the while telling others that worry gets us nowhere! So if I have a resolution, it is to live for now and trust that the world will evolve as it should.
P.S. I haven’t given up planning altogether – I am looking forward to Florida in the summer. Actually it would be nice to be there now – it is starting to blizzard.
Lisa: You are with me I know. And I know you will be with me as I embark on yet another year without you earthly presence. I miss you always and love you forever. Mum
A couple of evenings before the new year, I sat in front of the fire listening to gentle music, sipping wine and reflecting on the past year. Wondering what I had achieved and whether I had made a difference. I really don’t know if I made a difference but I had to admit that Adriana and I had done a heck of a job planning the Neighbourfest we hosted in September.
That is the outward stuff. What about the inward. I have made a concerted effort this past year to “let it go”. Let go of the anger and hurt. Understand that people do not go out intentionally to hurt us or our loved ones. I am specifically thinking of the doctors who did not know how to treat Lisa’s complications and it resulted in her death. Or Harvey’s insensitivity; Have I forgotten? Not on your life. But I have forgiven, understanding that we are all human. I only hope the doctors learned a lesson and other patients won’t have to endure what Lisa did.
So I enter 2015 with more understanding and peace and without the feelings of anger and resentment. It is a good feeling.
About the new year. As I said, I gave up resolutions. I have come to the realization that I will never get slim, I sure won’t get any younger or smarter. At 69 I am on the downhill slope! What has worked for me over the years is spontaneity. My career has often being at the right place at the right time and taking chances. I think being open has afforded me an amazing life. Yes, we have faced tragedies and I will never be okay with losing Lisa but if I really look back, I have been blessed. There have been times in my life when I felt like the luckiest person alive.
So for the coming year, I will continue to do what I do, take opportunities that present themselves and live in the NOW! That sounds easy but for me, it is a constant struggle. I am a worrier who learned from the best – my mother. I worry about the past, and I worry about the future, and I worry about others, all the while telling others that worry gets us nowhere! So if I have a resolution, it is to live for now and trust that the world will evolve as it should.
P.S. I haven’t given up planning altogether – I am looking forward to Florida in the summer. Actually it would be nice to be there now – it is starting to blizzard.
Lisa: You are with me I know. And I know you will be with me as I embark on yet another year without you earthly presence. I miss you always and love you forever. Mum
Replies
Hi Marlene. Yea I get it. But still struggle with the anger and bitterness, mostly the doctors who got her hooked by upping the dosages of pain killers with other meds. I know they did not do it on purpose but still she is gone and no one has had to account for it. I found December to be especially rough and was happy to leave 2014 behind. The snow is a distraction. I dressed up in layer and went out to shovel the drive way. Felt good - did it till my fingers froze. Enjoy being in the moment - its all we really have. Rose
DEAR MARLENE; THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL JOURNAL. I STILL AM FILLED WITH ANGER OVER THE DRS. WHO KILLED MY DAUGHTER. I WILL NEVER I DON,T THINK WILL FORGIVE THEM WISH I COULD CAN,T RIGHT NOW SHE SUFFERED TO BAD BECAUSE OF THEIR TERRIBLE MEDICAL MISTAKES . . BUT LIKE YOU THIS IS A NEW YEAR. I JUST HOPE IT GETS WARM SO SO I CAN GO WALK. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN IN THIS HOUSE FOR ALMOST A MONTH. WELL HAVE TO GO PHONE. BLESS YOUR LISA HUGS AND LOVE .
Always good to hear from you, dear friend. Remembering our lovely dinner on the boat! we had a marvelous time! I don\'t think I can stand the heat in Fla. next summer. It\'s very bad for fibromyalgia.
Speaking of living in the now, I love you, value you, and think of you and your nice family often. Love, Abot
I think we may have had the same mother! Mine is a worrier also and passed that trait onto me too.
Wishing you a lovely new year without having to live up to resolutions.
Hugs for you and your Lisa,
Debbie
My grandmother was a worrier, my dad called her \"warts\". I also worry it is a mother thing.
The last resolution I made was not to make resolutions LOL.
I like you thoughts on not forgetting but forgiving. That makes you taking big steps forward on your journey.
As a thought come to FL anytime you like. We are having a very warm winter, but hopefully it will be back to normal soon. I do enjoy weather that I can wear a sweater inside the house because we do not need to turn on the heat. The fire place in the am when it is really cold outside, it doesn\'t last to long. The sun is so close compared to Canada.
Sending warm hugs
Penny
I try to be a realist and live in the now, appreciating all the blessings that I still receive and have in my life. It doesn\'t always work, but for the most part it is good. Time doesn\'t make the pain go away, but it does cause us to be able to tolerate it more. Always in the back of my mind I have told myself that Clinton wouldn\'t want me to be unhappy all the time and miss out on my life because he wasn\'t physically here and I certainly wouldn\'t want that for him if the situation was reversed so on I go to honor my son. Praying that you have a wonderful 2015 and that we will be able to see each other in Florida this year!!!!! Love and hugs...Lynn
I can see you sitting in front of that fire,, sipping that wine..... wish I were sitting with you,,,, I so enjoy your company.... I hope I soon can let it go.... I\'m not there yet... I still worry way too much.... love ya... stay warm.
Marlene, such words of wisdom. Happy new year, and I am with you about the no resolutions! Stay warm and big hugs to you and Lisa.
Cindy
Marlene, I am going to try and comment again on your journal. I tried last night and then I got an error. What a great journal and thank you so much for posting. You really touched my heart. Hoping for you a peaceful and good 2015....Hugs, Nell
When I think of you I always envision a woman who IS vibrant, engaged in living, colorful and fully present in the moment. You allow your emotions full expression and that is such a gift as we know to \"stuff\" them for too long can bring on much angst and even illness.
I\'m with you about resolutions living into the moment is all we have and I\'ll follow your lead, Marlene.
Beautiful and thoughtful journal filled with nuggets. Thank YOU!
With love,
XO Joanie
I am ever thankful to FMO for this forum where I can express my emotions, positive and negative and feel totally safe, and understood. I suspect that many of my friends and family would be surprised to see what I write.
I think that is why counselling didn\'t work for me. Someone wanted me to talk about my feelings on the spur of the moment and frankly, I couldn\'t think of a thing to say. So my SOTH, I thank you every day for being there to listen to the good, the bad and the ugly!! Huge hugs to you all.
Yes..you made a difference..whether or not you felt it, I stood on your shoulders more times than I can count, when the new days snd weeks of Patrick\'s death overwhelmed me. Yes, my dear Marlene, you made a difference. With love and gratitude, Lauri
Thank you Marlene for such a thought provoking journal and for sharing your feelings with us. I agree with making the resolutions - I just try and do the best I can with each and every day. I agree with the forgiveness and I also have learned to just a lot of stuff go. Happy 2015....Hugs, Ann
What a beautiful & insightful journal!! I hope 2015 is all you want it to be .
(((HUGS)))...Julia
Marlene, I am appreciative of this journal as well. It is beautifully written and well thought out. Thanks for being there for me and others!!!
Sending love,
Leda