Update
We went to the theater today. It was a musical called "Normal". It was about a family and has been getting good reviews. The performers were wonderful - too wonderful. It was not a happy happy musical. In fact it was about a woman who suffered from mental illness. Eventually it became evident that the onset of her illness began when her 18 month old son died.
I was prepared for a dramatic musical about a troubled family that wanted to be normal - I was not prepared to witness the despair of a mother who has lost her child, and the effect it had on the rest of her family. I spent most of it in tears and I think Joe shed a tear as well.
In a way, I felt validated. Losing a child is horrific and we all respond in different ways. It hurt me when the word 'crazy' was used. I sometimes think that I am viewed as a bit crazy too.
I sometimes get upset when people don't understand. An example - I did 5 days of orientation this past week (my feet were sore and my voice raspy by yesterday). I mentioned to my boss that one of the participants shared that she had lost her daughter (I gave her the website for FMO). My boss said "why would she do that?". I was furious and told her I acknowledged to the group that I had also lost a daughter. I explained that everyone was introducing themselves and sharing that they had children. She did the same. I told her that since she had mentioned it, I told the group that I had also lost my daughter as well. I said that I would never deny that I have 2 children. One is no longer here but I am not, nor will I ever be prepared to negate the fact that Lisa existed and the participant probably felt the same way. Then I burst in to tears.
Thankfully, I don't work again until the first week of October. I have told them that after that, I am done. I am quite disappointed. They are trying to set up a new program in a seniors' residence. They will begin admitting 30 new residents next week and they are not ready. They are doing it in 6 weeks - normally they would have a minimum of 3 months to set up such a program.
Right now, I feel drained. It has been a trying time and I look forward to a more peaceful week.
Lisa: I miss you always and love you forever. Mummy
I was prepared for a dramatic musical about a troubled family that wanted to be normal - I was not prepared to witness the despair of a mother who has lost her child, and the effect it had on the rest of her family. I spent most of it in tears and I think Joe shed a tear as well.
In a way, I felt validated. Losing a child is horrific and we all respond in different ways. It hurt me when the word 'crazy' was used. I sometimes think that I am viewed as a bit crazy too.
I sometimes get upset when people don't understand. An example - I did 5 days of orientation this past week (my feet were sore and my voice raspy by yesterday). I mentioned to my boss that one of the participants shared that she had lost her daughter (I gave her the website for FMO). My boss said "why would she do that?". I was furious and told her I acknowledged to the group that I had also lost a daughter. I explained that everyone was introducing themselves and sharing that they had children. She did the same. I told her that since she had mentioned it, I told the group that I had also lost my daughter as well. I said that I would never deny that I have 2 children. One is no longer here but I am not, nor will I ever be prepared to negate the fact that Lisa existed and the participant probably felt the same way. Then I burst in to tears.
Thankfully, I don't work again until the first week of October. I have told them that after that, I am done. I am quite disappointed. They are trying to set up a new program in a seniors' residence. They will begin admitting 30 new residents next week and they are not ready. They are doing it in 6 weeks - normally they would have a minimum of 3 months to set up such a program.
Right now, I feel drained. It has been a trying time and I look forward to a more peaceful week.
Lisa: I miss you always and love you forever. Mummy
Replies
I have found this as well. No one understands and they just don\'t want to think about it. When I was finally brave enough to tell my boss she was sympathetic, but I was asking for time off to go to a grief support group and she allowed it but I had to take the time out of my vacation days.
Of course we must acknowledge our children, though they are gone they are still part of us and part of our lives. How great that someone has made a musical about this. We all want to feel normal, but know we never will.
Lots of love and thanks for sharing.
Anne x
Gentle ((hugs)) shared.
Yes, we do own our own realities -- no matter what others may think or do. Our ownership is our validation.
Why people lack in empathy - I have given up seeking the answer and only celebrate those of us who truly love one another.
:-) Patricia
You have been working very hard! You absolutely followed your heart and did the right thing to pass along a healing tool that has helped you and to be asked why you did that from your boss?? Total lack of understanding from her and it feels as if she could use some educating too!
Wishing you a gentle week of refueling and it feels as if you felt validated watching that theatre production. The flood gates would have opened for me as well I have no doubt.
Much love dear Marlene and appreciate your thoughts and sharing.
XO Joanie
I have been lucky...people have been sympathetic and empathetic in my work and in my friendships. They do not truly understand...but I feel they hurt knowing that I hurt. There definitely have been people that I have encountered have been clueless...I choose to react like I feel necessary, but then let it go... Take gentle care of yourself my friend....love and hugs...Karen
Other than parents who have also lost a child, I\'m not sure anyone can possible understand. And if I\'m honest with myself, I don\'t want them to ever have to understand. And that\'s part of what makes ours such a lonely circumstance. And why FMO is such a beautiful thing. We all understand each other and can lean on our sisters of the soul for support.
Gentle hugs to you today...and may you feel some sunshine on your cheek.
Gari
It is so sad that folks who have not lost a child do not understand. Really, we don\'t want them to because the only way for them to truly understand is to lose one of their own but it sure would help. I have been asked not to discuss my son\'s passing at work. Can you imagine? Erasing him like that would be disrespectful to my son and I refuse to do it. I speak his name as often as I can and to hell with anybody who doesn\'t want to hear it. Love & hugs, Colleen
Like ColleenF, I have found that some people think the proper way for us to act, is not to mention our deceased children. Perhaps, they think it will upset other people to know about it, or that it is just easier not to deal with it at all. I will never stop saying my sons\' name. He existed and he mattered. He loved and was loved. Those who don\'t want to acknowledge his existance can just stay the hell away from me. Strong language, I know, but just how I feel!!
Enjoy your memories, of your precious daughter Lisa.
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I wonder if I could get through that show,,,,not sure I could,,,did they do a good job in portraying a greiving mother,,,,maybe the people who work with Colleen should go see it!!! big ((hugs))
We can never tell what is going to be the thing that takes us to our tender place...our grieving abyss...it can strike anywhere like even a seemingly innocent musical. \"Crazy\" is a word that infuriates me....I think of my son and how he must have felt...and then you are right.....it is a crazy feeling..a jumble of emotions that we hold in our hearts...sometimes they explode...but really, I think those who hold it in are \"crazy\".....that normal is all relative anymore. We who have lost our children are quite normal in the sense that we all have the same understanding of how devastating grief can be. I know I would have sobbed the entire time of that musical. I hope you get another night out that will allow you to escape instead of being reminded.....
Love and hugs...dale, brandon\'s mom p.s.....I bet you will be relieved to leave your job...it sounds chaotic. PEACE
Crazy is the new normal..... People move on with their lives we have something missing and dont move past it. Untill they expirience it they cannot understand. I have to deal with a manager who thinks I just need to get on with my life. As you know it is not that simple. I hope you can make you life smoother...
Hugs Penny
I\'ve been blessed to have a great amount of support at my place of employment. I hope your experience will teach others to have more compassion. We can\'t get mad at those who don\'t understand because then they would be in our shoes which is not a great place to be. You will always have two children, and you are right, never negate that fact. Hoping you get some much needed rest. Much love. Robin
I am crazy, right there along with you! Hugs, Belinda