11-23-10

 
I started out the day well I think.. went to spin class for an hour ( loved the music), took my dog on a long hike up the mountain on sunrise trail, ( my favorite trail), went and got an hour and a half massage ( treated myself), went to see my therapist and all these feelings and emotions came out.. I guess shit I have been holding in and onto for a long time and I just cried like a baby and couldn't stop.. I ended up going home having a big healthy lunch and totally forgeting I was such to have a conference call with the airline EAP.
  I was soooo wrapped up in my emotions still that I called my Dad( before I picked Sam up from the bus) hsyterically crying telling him that I have been holding back for awhile on telling him what really on my mind, how miserable I am out here in Arizona. How I am holding on by a string!!! I am soooo lonely. I told him the only positive thing out here is my therapist which is true and I have a crappy doctor. My Dad turned into Mr. Fix It .. He said ok.. We will park your car and have you & Sam move home to Maryland with us and we will help you. We will call you tonight to make a plan.
  The first thing is I never heard from my Dad tonight that is very disappointing. The second thing moving in with either of my parents wouldn't be a good thing cause they have there own emotional problems and mood disorders which are untreated. They are a trigger for me.
I call them sometimes because I feel extremely lonely out here and many things have changed in my life since the summer. I have drifted away from any or all of the AA friends that I was aquainted with when I got sick with my bipolar illness, I started reaching out to bipolar groups and lost my AA sponser. I haven't found another one since I have asked maybe over 10 women and been rejected over & over again.. I am over it.. I have a strong faith and don't want to drink. I went to an AA meeting Sunday at a different location, but haven't found meetings where I am comfortable again ... like I was before I got sick.
I try sooo hard and never give up... I just get soooo tired & worn out. I need to pray more. I am sooo extreme.